The one thing we all want to avoid in life. We try so hard to avoid it, even then we fail. It may be because we come across an array of problems that appear when we try to gain closure with one another. Ultimately, we marry a wrong person. The question is, why does it happen?
“Nobody is Perfect”
It may be because we tend to be frustrated when people disagree with us, and only relax when things go our way. The issue is that we don’t really dig into our complexities.
When someone tries to reveal our flaws, we argue, we get furious and eventually, we start disliking the person. We try hard to understand our partners. Visit their families, meet their friends, look at their photos, and hear their stories, thinking that we are actually understanding them. In reality, none of this is ever enough.
Marriage, then, becomes a hopeful gamble between two strangers who decide to plan a future together, hoping it will be the best for them.
Unreasonable Reasons of Marriage
For generations, reasons of marriage were simple: “she lives close to you, his family is well-off, her father is a judge, combining powers of two houses or both families being subscribed to the same piece of holy text.”
Even from these reasons, loneliness, abuse, pain, and infidelity happens to seep in. The point to notice is that in a marriage, feelings of two people are drawn towards each other by an irresistible instinct. Hence, imprudence can actually be safer for marriage; it acts as a counterweight to all the errors of reason.
We Feel Loved When We Feel Happy
When we wish to find happiness in marriage, we seek familiarity. We want to recreate every happy memory in our relationship: helping someone when they are out of control, deprivation of love from parents, or too insecure to communicate wishes.
When we grow up, we reject candidates not because they were wrong, but too right – sympathetic, mature, balanced. However, those feelings are foreign to us and we could not associate ‘love’ with feeling happy.
Perhaps that nice feeling we want to make permanent is by deciding to marry someone. Being proposed during a lovely sunset on a beach, with sunlight trying to penetrate the ocean.
We married because we wanted to make feelings such as that permanent. However, we later find ourselves in a suburban home, with noise of crying children and fights with our partners. When everything changes, you think they are not who you thought they were.
Compatibility – An Achievement of Love
It is essential to abandon the idea of romanticism, rather than your partner at this point. The Western understanding of marriage, which is that “there is exists a person who would meet our needs and satisfy our yearning” are totally false.
Marriage is much more than this.
Exchange the romantic view for a tragic awareness that everyone will frustrate and irritate you, and you will do the same to them. Emptiness and incompleteness can seep in, but it must not be basis for a divorce. To choose someone means that you must choose which suffering you want to sacrifice yourself to.
Pessimism in marriage relieves the excessive imaginative pressure that our romantic culture places upon marriage. The best partner is not the one who shares your likes and dislikes – but someone who can disagree intelligently. Someone who tolerates differences with negotiation and generosity is what makes a couple compatible. It should not be a precondition, it is to be achieved.
Romanticism is a harsh philosophy – abandon it. We end up lonely and convinced that our marriage is not “normal”. We all should learn to accommodate ourselves to the “wrongness” of the union.