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“That could never happen to me, but I do feel for people affected by it”. This is exactly how I always thought when I came across rape stories. That’s how I felt about an important issue that prevails in our society. But now when I think of it, I think, how foolish one can be?
You may be a very strong person, staunch about your morals and the way you want things, but there are people who spin your brain in ways you cannot fathom. That is exactly what happened to me.
I was content with life, living and taking in each day at a time. I was happy. But maybe it wasn’t enough for me or maybe the beauty of things got to me. I met an older guy, much older blessed with a beautiful face, light forest green eyes, the kind that change color in the sun, a toned physique and he had a way with words.
Anyone would be taken aback by his appearance, and naturally so was I. He intricately weaved words, and carefully put together compliments. The kind that makes you feel like a queen. It was exciting. He was exciting. The idea of being with an older man was exciting and that is what helped him reel me in.
Fast forward, one foolish mistake led to an even bigger mistake. I invited him over. He had told me over text how he wanted to do things to me, and it was all good until it went too far.
“Please stop, you’re hurting me.”
“It really hurts!”
“I don’t want to do this.”
Followed by attempts to get away from him, which led him to say, “stop moving.”
And that was it. One stern look and I was paralyzed. I spent the next hour or so, dead with my eyes open. Couldn’t move. Couldn’t speak. Couldn’t understand. After he was done, he said to me, “Well done” and a high-five.
He left me with a goodbye kiss and said he would see me again. In that moment, I couldn’t feel anything. A large, blank, nothing. There was so much blood. I had never bled like that before. I told myself, it’s all good and went about my life like nothing had happened.
4 months later I came to terms with what actually happened. I allowed him to be physical but he raped me instead. It took me 4 months to accept it. And it took me another month to stop crying about it. Every night like clockwork, as I lay on the same side of the bed where I was raped, it came back to me. Every, single, night. I needed to let it out. Scream. Shout. So I opened up to a friend.
A friend who was in love with me, and I knew, but I couldn’t love him the same way because my past held me back. I couldn’t lie to him, but I didn’t know how to tell him either. He told me he wanted to marry me, but would he marry me if he finds out that I am not a virgin? However, one night I let it out. I expected him to leave, to fake console me and then leave. But he cried.
He cried for what had happened to me. He cried because he loved me and what hurts me, hurts him too. He cried for me. He told me that nothing will ever change the way he felt about me. And in that moment I realized, it was not my fault. What happened to me was not my fault. Yes, I was foolish, but in the end, it was never my fault.
Therefore it gets better. Things happen. Bad people do bad things to you, but there’s always someone out there who loves you enough to not care about it. It’s hard. Trust me it’s hard to live with an instance like that, but everything happens for a reason, and my belief and my faith and my trust in my God is what will keep me going.