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This blog is based on the perspective that I now live by, after spending some time reading through books, watching thousands of videos on self-development and also from observation, therefore, this is just my opinion on how I see life.
“Strong people don’t put others down… They lift them up.” – Michael P. Watson
If someone doesn’t agree with your opinion, so what? It doesn’t mean they are wrong, it means they think differently than you do. Are you going to put them down because of this? Seems to me that if you do, you’re the smaller person. Please don’t get trapped into believing that you know everything and that your way is the only way. Others have ideas too. Let’s spend time looking for common ground with others, rather than looking for differences. I would love it if you can make time to share your opinion on this subject or ask the question for further elaborations. Contact information is provided at the end of this.
Do you find the questions people ask about you an attack on your self-image? Can you admit to being wrong? Are you OK admitting to being wrong when you are around others? Have you ever thought of meet yourself and see yourself from someone else’s point of view?
Walt Kelly’s phrase “We have met the enemy and he is us” is derived from braggadocio, during the War of 1812 in which commodore Oliver Hazard Perry reported, “We have met the enemy and they are ours” to William Henry Harrison after the Battle of Lake Erie and this phrase shows how we fight the external world just to avoid dealing with ourselves. When it comes to any negative issues that relate to our, we are always quick to jump to our defense or deflate it away from ourselves but we judge others when they do the same.
We mostly justify or give excuses for our mistakes so as to maintain the self-image we have of ourselves. This attitude of ours has been the root cause of the failure of many of our relationships and has escalated to the point of countries going to war with each other all because we find it hard to recognize our mistakes and when we do, we don’t admit it to others. “We are the enemy” is to enlighten us to the fact that, we as individuals have a hand in all the failures we encounter in our lives and therefore take up responsibilities for our actions.
Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting than physical ones. Emotional abuse systematically wears away at your self- confidence, sense of self-worth, even in trusting in our own perceptions. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation by manipulation, or under the guise of “guidance” or “teaching,” the results are similar. Eventually, you lose all sense of self and all remnants of personal value. The way we feel at any point in time in our lives play a major role in how we think of ourselves and the mental image we hold of ourselves.
Just as we project our anger, greed, and rage onto others as a way of denying these qualities within ourselves, so we also project our talents, ambitions, and dreams. This is at the core of our need to idealize others and put them on pedestals. As a way of denying these qualities within ourselves, we do two things. First, we put others on pedestals, attributing to them those qualities we admire and divesting them of those qualities we do not admire. So, we have celebrities, gurus, and evangelists and idealized lives.
Second, we project all our so-called bad qualities onto those we deem “monsters” those who get caught for doing what we have done or what we’ve longed to do which causes us to experience different emotions towards them. Anger arises within us to tell us that what is occurring is undesirable or unhealthy. Fear arises to warn us that there is potential loss, pain, failure, or danger. Sadness or hurt arises to tell us we have lost something or will soon lose something, or that we are missing something we want or need.
Finally, guilt arises to remind us that we have done something that goes against our own moral code or that we are in some way responsible for causing an undesirable circumstance, such as hurting another person. Frustration is an emotional state of the mind which God uses to tell us that, we are being contented at a position rather than moving to the next level. If you don’t do something different right now and right here at this very moment in your life, you will never do it again because today only comes once in the eternity.
We Suffer From Self Blindness
Societal conformity is changing or adopting a behavior or an attitude in an effort to be consistent with the social norms of a group or the expectations of other people. Social norms are the standards of behavior and the attitudes that are expected of members of a particular group. Some conformity is necessary if we are to have a society at all. We cannot drive on the other side of the road anytime we, please. And we conform to other people’s expectations to have their esteem or approval, their friendship or love, or even their company.
Our educational system and society teaches us at an early age to always have “I’m first mindset” that’s, being first in class, first to get a job, first to get married, first to have a car, just to mention a few and also be right in all arguments and all situations without thinking of others before we can feel belonging to or fit into our communities. Because of their perception, to consider for a second that we may be “wrong”, endanger our core need of feeling belong to a group/community. “True belonging is not passive.
It’s not the belonging that comes with just joining a group. It’s not fitting in or selling out because it’s safer. It’s a practice that requires us to be vulnerable, get uncomfortable, and learn how to be present with people without sacrificing who we are. This shouldn’t justify our self-centered and self-inflated behaviors towards but rather motive us to show more love toward others in ways we wish others loved us. Therefore, even as our attitudes change with time, we do our best to hold on to those beliefs that do not serve us anymore and causes cognitive dissonance. Psychologists believe that cognitive dissonance results from a desire to maintain self-esteem.
According to psychologist Leon Festinger, if people discover that some of their attitudes are in conflict or that their attitudes are not consistent with their behavior, they are likely to experience an unpleasant state called cognitive dissonance. The devil and the people in our lives can only destruct us from our purpose. The devil will put things in our way that can only break the Devine rhythm in our lives. I have come to the awareness that it’s very easy to blame others for our actions and inaction instead of taking responsibilities for our deeds. We are not as young as we think we are and we may not live as long as we think we would. The short-term pain of accepting a truth is much better than the long-term pain of believing an illusion. Let’s take up new perspectives (belief system) that will help us build a better life for ourselves and the world at large.
IT’S MINDSET PROBLEM NOT A SPIRITUAL PROBLEM
I do believe in the existence of spiritual forces for which my eyes and ears haven’t seen or heard that work behind the scene to control our every day but I also believe that the interpretations and understanding that we give life occurrences determines how we choose to respond. If we focus all our energy and time thinking that the world is to out for us, we will always get a confirmation of our bias in how others relate towards us. When we have a positive mindset that the world is looking for ways to help us achieve our life purpose, we begin to see people and the world coming to our aid.
Having this mindset does not mean that people wouldn’t betray us and also exempt us from bad events but it will help us recognize the things good, that comes along with those circumstances. We should also be careful not to believe the illusion of trying to change others or teach them. This is what codependency is all about. The best we can do is to show them by example, how to be more vulnerable, trusting, and empathetic.
WHAT ARE YOU WILLING TO LEAVE BEHIND?
To change our mindset would require of us to live certain things in the past. That is, living relationships that bring out the worst in us, living careers that does not for fill us and letting go of things that do not save us anymore. Here are some questions that we can ask ourselves to help us move on with our lives:
How do I feel, about going to work/school the next day? How do I feel, when am at work/school? How do I feel, after getting back from work/school?
Does this “(item of the name) help me in achieving my goals or taking most of my time away without helping me achieve my goals? Our emotions serve as a navigator, which is what the body uses to indicate to us about things to avoid(pain) and things to make room for(pleasure). But the word “emotion” which means movement requires of us to change our perspectives on life as time changes.
THINGS YOU CAN DO TODAY
Don’t be afraid to grow, end the bad habit, leave dead-end jobs, cut off unhealthy relationships and toxic people. It’s often said “the man who asks a question is a fool for a minute. The man who does not ask is a fool for life.” Take the initiative today to starting asking the difficult questions like the what, the why and the how in every area of your life. The starting point is simply, start asking why about everything and start asking what if am wrong about how I preserve life.
The second activity is to stop being so hard on ourselves whenever we say or do something wrong. We try so hard to make things to be perfect, we want to give the right answer to every question. We are mostly type A person, we work hard we think fact and try to always give the right answer and this can become a disadvantage to us because we miss opportunities in the aim of seeking for perfection rather than doing our beat at the moment. We over think, we over evaluate, we overdo things, all in the name of seeking perfection.
DO NOT MISS YOUR TURN TO DO GOOD
We always look at how our family, friends, colleagues, and neighbors failed in doing or providing our needs to justify why we are mean towards them. There are always a hundred reasons to behave badly towards others. Let’s be the bigger person by choosing today to become a better brother/sister, a better friend and a better neighbor regardless of others behaves towards us. The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated therefore let’s remember to always appreciate people in our lives for being there for us.
We need to get tougher (resilience and resistance). Each time we look at ourselves in the mirror, we look to add or take something free our appearance. But today, let’s make a conscious decision to look ourselves in the mirror and accept ourselves for both the good and the ugly things we find in ourselves. Don’t expect your life to change, until you first decide to make change a priority in your life. Your past can not be used to justify what you do today but use as motivation for inspiring us into becoming a better version of ourselves.
Throughout this essay, I try to emphasize the importance of the perceptions (beliefs) we hold on to because they become our reality. Belief is a powerful thing, therefore, we need to take responsibilities for our actions. We can’t just blame God, the devil, our friends and family for all the problems we face in our lives but own up to the small part we played in them. If we do, we can have a significant impact in addressing any problem that threatens our lives, our local community, our country and our planet. Think of life like the sport of boxing. Boxing involves standing in the ring and possibly getting hurt. Taking a punch is an unavoidable part of the sport.
Research has proven that the brain actually interprets getting rejected the same way as it does taking a punch. So, in a way, boxing, career and other areas of our lives are connected. You can dislike getting hit and do everything possible to avoid it, but if you want to find love and success in every area of your life, you need to be willing to take punches day after day which is just like taking risks to meet people. ‘Relationships take work. If you don’t like the job requirements, then don’t even bother applying for a position’ Stephan Labossiere.
People can’t spend love they don’t receive. People feel empty because they have a craving that isn’t satisfied by the person they need it from the most because the emptiness they feel can only be filled by themselves. Let’s spend some time each day to take care of our emotional need of feeling loved by showing and giving the kind of love, we seek from others to ourselves. You will never be enough for the person who hasn’t healed themselves. When you are truly loved you are accepted for who you are, for your so-called negative traits as well as for your so-called positive ones.
When you are truly loved, you and your partners bring out the best in each other. You become not a false self, not a public self, but your authentic self. It means learning and practicing the strategies that will empower you in relationships-including slowing down, telling the truth about who you are and how you feel, maintaining a separate life staying out of fantasy and being in the present moment, not allowing anyone to change who you are. The person who cannot face their own flaws, faults, and demons, naked without covering in shame… can’t accept genuine love.
And as open as you may want to be, and try to be, yearn to be… until they want to face themselves you will never be enough and it will always be your fault as to why they are never good enough. God him/herself could ordain you two to be together, but until a person stops hiding from who they really are, they will never be happy. Find comfort in your own scars. Heal your own past wounds and traumas. Make sure that your partners in every area of your life, see you as their equal and that you, in turn, see yourself as equal to them۔
In a healthy relationship, both partners complement each other by making up for each other’s weaknesses; they don’t use their strengths to intimidate or to make their partner feel “less than”. By choosing an equal partner and by creating a relationship based on equality, mutuality, and reciprocity, you create an environment where you feel such acceptance and love that you can become the best you can be, as can your partner. If someone like that can come and find you, perhaps you can coexist. Until then, take care of the one who matters most… Yourself.