According to films and romantic novels, love is blind. We are not really in power of who we fall in love with. Some call it ‘love at first sight’ while others have their own romantic theories as well. However, while we do fall for someone really hard and deep, sometimes we can’t associate it with an important element we tend to ignore.
When we fall in love, we are not forcing it upon us – it just happens. The question is, how does it happen?
Who we love and feel attracted to comes from a place we always overlook because we feel it is no longer important but psychologically, it is.
The Constraints Around Who We Love And Feel Attracted to Comes Our Childhoods
Our childhood history inclines us to fall for people with certain traits. We look for those who help us recreate the feeling of love we experienced in childhood. The issue, however, is that the love we first experienced in childhood may probably be out of kindness, generosity. Given how the world is, with the passage of time, the love we were exposed to may then tangle with painful aspects along the years.
Seeing domestic abuse, seeing child abuse, seeing a depressed parent, not having the love of a parent, losing the parent at a young age and different painful aspects make us see things differently when we grow old.
We Then Look for Partners Who Won’t Just be Kind to Us But May Also Feel/Experience the Similar Things We Have Been Through
This need makes us look away from people who may be worthy of our love, but not comply with what we are looking for, based on our childhoods. We want someone who would not make us suffer the way we need, in order to feel that the love is real.
We advise people to leave their tricky (not toxic) partners and look for someone who is more expressive and considerate. This is impossible because we cannot magically end our feelings for someone.
Rather than making these difficult individuals see that they need to transform themselves, we are the ones who start making adjustments.
We respond to these compelling partners the same way we did in our childhoods – around an irate partner who raises their voice and is always hurting you, you start feeling guilty – the same guilt you had around your irate parent when you were young.
We sulk, we remain quiet and we feel it is all our fault – just as we did when we were young. This, however, builds resentment in our hearts.
We cannot change who we feel attracted to, who we love. What we can change is to be more constructive towards the relationship and more considerate towards the person.
We may fall in love with someone who exhibits similar traits – we may love them, but we feel annoyed by their weakness because we don’t know how to handle ourselves, let alone handle someone who has the same flaws and weakness. This is why they become tough for us.