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There won’t be any location on mother earth where you can’t spot a desi. Let’s start with the most desirable spot for a desi once he/she (since girls just ‘pretend’ to be not really interested but they do want to get a feel of going Angreji beating and feel all Deepika about it). This is exactly the place we used to daydream of in our college days and finally, our preparations for going to the forever heard term ‘nightclubs’ and ‘discos’, began. Not to forget, we get our visa by checking if that brand has their flat 50% sale going on.
Once the bags are packed with all desi masalas, lota, the very comfy night kurta whose shalwar is misplaced somewhere in your dad’s drawer and mostly with the stuff that you don’t NEED but your mother insists you take along just because ‘Zarurat Per Sakti hai, beta’. You already brace yourself for the revenge by planning to say ‘Bola tha na aap ko’ to your Mom once the weighing machine at the airport shows your bags being overweight but unfortunately for you and fortunately for your mom, her prayers somehow get the weight reduced miraculously (or maybe the weighing machine is too afraid of your mom’s gaali galoch in her native language and you get through).
The first weekend in Pardes, baby – pulling out your most Chamkeelay shoes, if not pants. You are all set to party and take some pictures with pink and green strobe lights in the background with your homies to make your phuppo ke laadle feel jealous of you.
Here are some of the experiences that will happen to the majority of desis unless you are a pro-bro, during or before they hit their Naagin steps on ‘We found love- Rihana feet Kelvin Harris’. Of course, everyone was waiting for you and the pardesis, who have been dreaming to see – like Baaji would put it – “Someone like you.”
1. Not knowing the difference between Bars and Night Clubs:
You thought your sight burning, side-burn styling was on point when the first gori you talked to in your university asked you ‘Let’s go to a bar tonight’. Without any doubt, you accept the invitation with all your fantasies bucked up. You tried baar baar but all you could see there were people drinking and talking to each other.
WHAT THE FALOODA, bro? Where all the rang baranga floors with even rang barangi bachis at?
2. Googling ‘Free night clubs around me’
You don’t really want to pay cover charge since you find it Haraam to pay and also once you convert the cover charge in rupees, you think it’d be better if you save this amount and have a buffet someday in a restaurant at MM Alam road. Over 1000 search results within seconds and you go #ShukryaGoogleSharif.
3. Being accompanied by a DM – Disco Maulvi:
If you are a guy, you’ll be accompanied by at least one DM who intentionally hesitated, once you asked him to join yet you never mentioned shaving his beard was a condition. The matter of few hours and he thinks he’s changed to Vin Diesel from Maulana Diesel. For girls, you’ll be with someone who went to a government college back home for FSc where londas always kept wondering when would she takes her Dupatta off (to start with) in her pictures. Just a matter of boarding that connecting flight from UAE, that Malala way of taking dupatta has now changed into a Malaai way of pouting.
4. Pray Isha, Grab your passport and into the line
Just done with Isha and you feel (just a bit) of your zameer malaamating you. Anyhow you get into the queue with your chest widened as if your Abba g is IG Motorway Police.
5. Never appropriately dressed
Doesn’t matter if it’s your first time where you feel as innocent as Harambe or your 100th time and you feel as Haraami as your (side) bae, you’d always feel underdressed or overdressed. Shoes, shirt, mustard oil in your hair, Jeans or genes, there’s something that will always keep you bugging until you get back to (your) home.
6. Let’s go Babya, “this is what you came for”
As soon as you enter the club, you hear Rihana and Calvin Harris but this time with a different track. First snap without even entering completely: “Damn, this light is shitty” because you remember your gori friend drinking at the bar saying “Damn, this shit is lit.”
7. People start to notice you because that 3rd world passport is still in your hand
After 2 minutes, IZZ AWNN BRUV. There are a lot of rang barangi bacchiaan and eventually you realize you are similar to Brad Pitt since you both are single (and good looking), even though everyone around thinks you are a barbaad pitth.
8. Ordering pink-iced Lemonade from that garam bartender pinky
You aren’t really a pro-bro and eat Halal meat so you order Lemonade while the BhootniKa standing with you orders a glass of vodka. Everyone is in the business now and you start thinking how you could buy a sachet of Limopani for the same price in your currency and make a better lemonade than this overcharged lemonade.
9. Taking that corner inside the club
Your haraami friends are drunk and all you do now is take a cornered position to check out some taaza maal. Of course, you think goris were already craving and were just wanting you to take this position. Little to your surprise, you get some stares but half of those were because you didn’t blink thinking the first glance at Na-Mehram is Halal and the rest of girls were too tipsy to see your face. You expected someone to ask you out themselves but it’s just you asking yourselves questions until now.
10. Faking the lip sync with the playlist
You try to lip sync with the songs being played at the club but you can’t. Feeling left out? It’s okay the best part about this is that no one really cares (except your friends).
11. Getting too late for the Naagin moves:
It’s 2 a.m already and you haven’t really achieved anything spiritually or physically, the Halal qorma you had for dinner is still undigested and it’s time for self-motivation with #YOLO on songs that you’ve never heard of, you finally pull off the same lame Bhangra steps that everyone back home has seen but of course, no one really cares (except your friends). IMMADISCODANCERR
12. Getting back in all senses fortunately and unfortunately
3.30 am, everyone is drunk but you are still the same way you entered, still out of the league- going back alone, going back to your own place, in full senses and walking back to your home thinking if it’d be appropriate for you to sleep or pray Tahajjud before that.