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I have finally gathered the courage to share my life story, what exactly happened and how it changed me. They say in order to find true wisdom, it is important to know what it’s like to be completely ruined. I know what it means now. I have found true happiness Alhamdullilah, but there is a particular phase in my past which led me to view life from a different perspective than I used to.
I am a Pakistani-Canadian. My parents had moved here in the 60’s/70’s for a better life. I grew up in Pakistan and moved to Toronto at 16. My adult years were spent in Toronto hence my mentality was shaped accordingly; liberal, free-thinker, not very religious but spiritual to a certain extent. I never had any Pakistani friends in high school since there weren’t many desi people there. I was one of the few, so I hung out with white Canadians and Persians who were very nice.
I was very fascinated by the idea of meeting desi people straight from Pakistan whom I can speak in Urdu with and share cultural insights. We spoke in Urdu at home however I rarely got to speak Urdu outside. My cousins were born and raised in Canada so even they barely spoke in Urdu.
Fast-forward, I got accepted to one of the best universities in Toronto and finally started pursuing my dream academic career. I came across PSA (Pakistani Student Association) one day and I instantly got butterflies in my stomach, “I can befriend desi people here, Pakistani friends!? Straight from Pakistan?? Omg!! Omg!!”.
So, I went in and saw this huge group of desi people who were international students from different cities in Pakistan. I quickly became friends with them and started hanging out. We started planning for our multi-cultural event which was in a few months. I was one of the models for the fashion show. In the midst of all this fun and excitement, I met Ali.
Ali was this extremely good-looking, funny, courteous, kind and charismatic, international student from Clifton, Karachi. We always had a crush on him but I never threw myself on him like other girls did.
He hosted an event, which I had attended. Towards the end all of my female friends went up to him and hugged him, “Awww such a great event well-done”. Then a friend of mine pushed me towards him, “Jao hug him!!”. He opened his arms for me to which I said, “Nahi mujhe nai hug karna tumhay” and all his male friends started laughing at him hysterically. “Oh bisti hogayi teri hahaha”. But he took it a bit too hard and started chasing me even more from that day on. Little did I know that this was all a revenge for hurting his ego.
On the other hand, I fell in love with him at first sight, my intentions were pure. Attraction would be the right word obviously. Back then I didn’t know what love even meant so I mistook my crush as “love”. We became friends, we both liked each other and I found myself falling for him too fast. He gained my trust by telling me stories about his humanitarian aid work back home, how his family is involved in charity and how his dad has an adopted son who lost his family in a war.
All his stories melted my heart for him and I developed an image of him as this kind angelic man who will never harm anyone. He treated me well for the first few months, we took a course together and I helped him in his tests and essays. Things went downhill when his friends told me that he is using you just to get through this course.
I didn’t say a word but it was all making sense. He only acted extra-nice and sweet right before a test or an assignment. I stayed quiet and decided to wait and watch instead. We used to make out which is normal in any relationship. I used to go to his house and I completely trusted him. Until he started acting weird during Ramadan.
One day I went to his house to help him for an essay despite my sprained ankle. He was fasting and he begged me to make out with him while he was fasting. Then he started kissing me even though I told him it’s a bad idea. After 5 to 10 minutes, he got up in a rage and said, “It’s your fault, I broke my roza because of you, tum itna tayaar ho ker kyun ayi ho yahan?”
I wasn’t even dressed up that day, so I don’t know what happened there. He got up, and then he started to pray namaz. Then he dropped me home and sped off in a very angry mood. I was too naive to acknowledge that and ignored it. Then after a few weeks, I helped him with his last assignment. He broke up with me immediately after that and said that we should just be friends. I agreed and didn’t say anything.
I was hurt but I didn’t make it obvious. It was somehow bothering him that I didn’t complain or anything. My Pakistani friends, on the other hand, were bad-mouthing to him against me how I am too naive and obsessed with him which was not true. After a few days it was Eid. I had some university documents that I wanted to fill, Ali had promised that he would help me with it as a “compensation for all the help I provided him in assignments”. I asked him to come to the library. He insisted that I should come to his house instead.
“I’m your ex technically, I don’t think that’s a good idea, Ali.”
“Pagal ho?? Mai tumhe hath nai lagaun ga, plus mere dost b hain idher tou it’s a full-house”
I knew his friends very well and trusted him as well. I went to his house which was 1 hour away from mine. I didn’t feel my 100% for some reason, I didn’t sleep the night before either. I went inside and his friends were nowhere to be seen. I asked him, “where are your friends?” and he replied, “they will come don’t worry.”
There was something very strange about him that day. We sat down and began to talk about the document. Then he said he is going to the other room to take a nap. He closed my door and left. I hadn’t slept the night before so I also closed my eyes for a bit. Afterwards, I got up to grab some water and head home. It was very emotional, being at his house, the guy I was madly in love with, I had tears in my eyes realizing this strange irony.
He heard the water dispenser and came running out of that room. He took my hand and sat me down. “Look I know you are hurt from the breakup,”
“yes but what can I do…its okay Ali, shit happens and you move on”
Then he sat close me and grab me, his grip kept tightening …. “ab batata hu tume, kya samajti ho apne ap ko han?”
I kept asking him to stop it and get off of me, but he didn’t listen. He molested me. Then I just laid there….dead….not responding….just dead and silent as he molested me again and again. He got up and I wanted to run away from there.
I wanted to die right there and then….but I was brain-dead to even move or say or do anything. I wanted everything to stop.
Then he ran to the bathroom and I got dressed, stood next to the window and tried to wrap my head around all this, but I was still brain-dead.
He came out and said ,“mujh pe case tou nai karogi?”.I shook my head …. “tumhara kasur hai, I think you shouldn’t feel bad kyun k hum pehlay b tou makeout kertay thay ab karlia tou konsi bari baat hai?”
I went home, my friends were bad-mouthing me with him and vice versa. I wasn’t able to share anything with anyone. He was going back to Pakistan after graduation anyway. It took me 1 month to wrap my head around this.
This was all a revenge because I hurt his ego by not hugging him at the event in front of his friends. Now he was a “hero” for his buddies. Was all this for a revenge? That’s when the storm inside me emerged, what happened next is a lesson to him and all the girls out there.