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My haunting abuse story begins, when I was in prep class. I belong to an army family, so, we had a batman in our house. My mom sends my batman upstairs to call me for dinner and for the first time I got molested. He touched my private parts. His fingers are printed permanently on my body, they would never fade away. My father got posted to another station he also moved with us.
Another incident which I remember when I was in grade three and my mom went to some neighbor’s house and he picked me from our army truck which used to drop me a little far away from my house. That was an alarm for me that my worse days would be starting. He took me to his servant quarter and tried to be sexual with me.
Whereas, I tried my best to stop him from doing that but, still, he got success in abusing me with his fingers because what my faintest memory of grade three says is that he had used his fingers in my private parts and kissed me at each and every body part. His kisses are like blows of a knife for me. I was an innocent child of third grade at the hands of a cruel batman.
After Lahore, we moved back to Pindi. He used to come there once a week or month because he was in service and my father got retired. Whenever he used to come he always abused me with touching me everywhere on my body parts, kisses me and also used to talk with me in a dirty language. Although, at that time I was in 8th grade but, still I felt so afraid of him, so I never got the courage to tell about this to any of my family members.
After that, my life got more miserable when my father got him retired from the army. Although, a month before his retirement, I told my mother and elder sister about the abuse. But, I don’t know why my mother had not talked to him openly. She discussed this matter with him but not too much clearly.
So, he brought his family and they started living in our house. He had two daughters too and I used to love them, still he never thought of that true love from my side for his children. I never discriminated against them. But, he was a monster full of hard and harsh feelings.
I had two personalities living inside me. The abused victim was another person living inside me. Who cries in washrooms and in the middle of the night. I used to cut myself and started taking sleeping pills. Even then, my family never noticed the prominent scars on my arms. They never thought that why I remain so lonely and depressed. Eventually, I turned into a depressive patient.
I started my university in the same depressive scenario. At least, I can say, I was too strong that people never judged me from my face and could not know what sort of issues I am going through in my life. They would probably think that I have some boyfriend types of issues which were least important in my life. For me, there were sadder things in my life.
Then, things got even worse; he used to touch my parts from the back while passing beside me. I was the youngest child and both of my sisters were married. So, I am living with my parent’s. One day my mom and his wife went to the market without informing me as I was sleeping in my bedroom. After some time, I got awoken by seeing him sitting on my bed. It was the most painful moment of my life. I slapped him and tried to push him out of my room. Then, I called my middle elder sister to tell my mother to come home as soon as possible.
After that, she arrived I told her and his wife about the truth. I also consoled his wife too, while forgetting my trauma and turmoil. Just then, I learned that I am a very courageous person and I can sustain through the biggest miseries of my life. Although those days were terrible for me, I started using tranquilizers so that, I could be able to attend my university and remain normal in front of my father.
As my mother and middle sister have convinced me that you should not tell dad because he would start fighting with him then, what would society say and as I am a girl and will face some issues in my marriage. So, I got convinced by them, though everyone in my house is educated. After that day he didn’t abuse me, although, he lived in front of me for two years of this incident. Some days were really torturous for me, I never ate anything made by his hands. Whenever he laughs I started assuming that he is laughing at me that I am insignificant and powerless in front of him.
I loved my father very much and at least I know this that if ever I tell him he would surely take a stand for me. In my house, my sisters and mother never asked me “How am I feeling?” Am I alive or just a numb person moving on with my life? They always tell me that there are bigger things which people suffer through and everybody has miserable times during their lives. But, for me, this is the most miserable thing that can ever happen to someone.
I never ever blame anyone for not doing anything for me but, still, they could at least ask me how I am still alive. At present, due to all my friends’ endless encouragement and support, I am living without sleeping pills and blades. They used to listens to my traumatic events and tried to support me in every painful hour. Even though I told some of my closest friends after two years since he stopped abusing me. They never knew this hidden reality of my life.
Now, he is going from my place finally, yet my father knows nothing. He has only sent him because, of too many expenses. I would finally feel relief after he goes. However, for me, I could never feel the bounties of life and youth. This will always remain in my conscience even after my marriage. I have everything in my life Mashallah, all my worldly desires are fulfilled whenever I wish for anything.
The thing which I want is care and attention, which I never got from my family. I only want one sentence from my family that “are you all right?” My biggest dream is that I could openly tell every person about what I have suffered through and also still suffering. I wish I could tell everyone. Being a girl, my mother never allowed me to get any therapy from anyone. I am now a normal being only because of my friends. I am still suffering from a slight denial phase disorder but, now I am feeling much better.
I also blame myself for everything since; I am also responsible for it, why had I made him think that I am a cowardly person and he can do anything to me. He was not the end of the story, even one of my drivers used to touch some of my body parts while helping me in learning driving. Thank God, he went but still I have bitter memories of learning driving so now, I could not able to learn how to drive. At present, I have believed that nobody can harm you even if he tries to harm you then this is the extreme of everything.
My advice to parents is to please think about your children. They have a small world, please don’t destroy their world by throwing them in the heaps full of miseries and bitter memories. Please let them go to a therapist for the sake of their well-being. Also, for people around victims I want to suggest them, that please don’t judge them about their character by their scars. Don’t ever criticize them, they have more painful things going in their lives that could be beyond your thinking.