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So boys and girls brace you because we are heading right into that time of the year where the heavens will open the ‘ nalkay’ & tuttiyan (taps) of holy hammams that we all look forward to, Not. Well, because the weather gets less harsh, colder and perfects for some heavenly bathing that’s right we are all talking about some bridal and baby showers and the dramatic, lustrous, shimmering Shaadi season.
After all the hard work the rishta aunties have put in finding you the perfect soul mate they defiantly are not tired yet but they are obstinate and ever more determined to bitch about how much jewelry you are wearing on your walima day or how ‘chimat kay betha huwa wa dulha ‘(sitting very close to the bride) and how nervous was he on barat day. Oh well, that’s what these aunties do the best.
” joray asamano pay bantay hai” – Match is made in heaven
Well to be exact no one goes up in the sky and discuss Rishta preferences for people, there is only one place on earth its present in everyone’s house, well if you are Desi it’s a must its mostly located near the entrance of the house so that you can have an easy access to it and all the na-mahrams guests stay away. But one day this place will be used to find you a mahram, that sacrosanct place is called the “Drawing room.” It’s mostly opened when “special guests” are coming for special reasons. And that’s when your future in-laws will come around along with the rishta aunty maybe.
And how could you, how could you just make a faux pas of thanking or giving credit to just the aunty that hooked you up to this MBBS, gol roti maker, lambi patli, kam bolnay wali larki or this wonderful office going “lakho ruppay kamanay wala” middle aged, non-smoker larka. All hail and all respect to that massive, that hot, that palatable, smooth creamy scrumptious cup of TEA that totally got you here.
This tea has divine power that one shouldn’t underestimate. This cup of tea will decide that with whom you’ll be sharing the bed with, how many dinner sets, juicer blenders and washing machines you’ll be getting. Oh and I totally forgot to mention the mini stresses all the brides dads will get; this cup of tea is sure to be blamed.
So all you girls out there, make sure that this tea is made in an archaic way with a blend of sweet toxic milk, not forgetting to mix that tea powder with rancor, cooked over the heat of malice. This recipe may well be able to curb the auntie’s appetite for “jahez”(dowry). But this will not stop them from scrutinizing you over what skin color you have (because she wants ‘goray’ grandchildren),do you even have two feet or judge over how expensive or cheap the tea set is or if your samosa frying skills are there in your CV or not because to their so called office going son “kitchen ” is an alien world.
Admits of the tea, samosa and kebab; in the middle of the conversation suddenly the cheers of ‘Mubarak ho, Mubarak ho” starts, oh where did that come from? Did someone just sighted Eid’s moon, no- even the muftis have a hard time sitting it with their big glasses and telescopes, how can you do that? Make sure you have a good sneak peek at each other because girls, this office going boy is so calling you tonight and will wish ‘happy solid talking” (baat paki Mubarak) that’s why everyone is congratulating with every morsel of gulab jamans and rasgulas in their mouth. Sounds sweet no?
That’s just a glimpse of the first of the many dates that you’ll have in your drawing rooms, that can further upgrade to lunches and dinners but tea will remain constant whether be black or green and well the drawing rooms can vary from theirs to yours that doesn’t matter. What matters now is that you being the guy should be super excited and text all your londa (guy friends) that you are finally in the zone; oh yeah.
And you being a girl, should delete off all your ‘male’ friends from all corners of snap chat and Facebook, oh! and don’t forget to expunge the cluster of selfies you took with your ex that’s because your in-laws now have a blazing fast internet connection as they have revamped their house in your honor; well some parts of it not all and they can stalk you really well now or you’ll be judged and make sure to practice some tears shedding at rukhsati, not the crocodile ones the real ones because your sasuma (mother- in law) has her eyes on you now, literally.
P.S: I hate tea!