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This article was originally submitted by Naushad Mitha
They say there’s light at the end of the tunnel, what they don’t tell you is about the darkness. Being a traveler in this pit, the dark is where I belong now, for the light has been absent for quite long. So here I am, lying on the floor, surrounded by nothing, captive in my own shadow, I’m here all alone.
As I push the blade in my skin, I show no mercy, I feel no pain. As the cut gets deeper and deeper, time starts to freeze and I begin to feel numb. I look at the ceiling as it slowly turns red and I start to suffocate on my own breath. My blood runs cold and my body starts to shake. As I count the last of my breaths, my vision turns blurry. I start to hear these voices in my head, as I watch my shadow painted in red.
Short after the echoes in my ear begin to fade, my heart cripples to beat. My body shivers and my veins run dry, as the pain leaves my body, drop by drop. I no longer belong to the dark. I no longer crave the light. As I surrender myself to the dark hollows, I think of the time when I was alive, when I cared, when I joyed.
I remember when I was a little angel, I was a blessing to myself and to a few others.
I remember the affection, I remember the hatred, I remember the love, I remember the lust – I remember the time when I felt all of this, I remember the time when I felt none of this. The beauty of my little story lies in the painful experience; all of which has been censored until this very moment.
From the time when I learnt to walk on my feet, I remember life had been amazing. The first day of my school was the saddest day I experienced back then as I had to go away from my home. Following days weren’t as bad as I thought because I was liking it at school. I was quickly able to make new friends and was learning new things. My early years at school were the best of my life.
As time passed, I kept enjoying these years making new memories. I remember when I was in grade 1, I was anxiously waiting for August as it was my birthday month. Even as a small kid, I remember planning for the big day for quite some time. A night before my birthday, my mother gave me this beautiful white frock with a cute little hat. I remember looking in the mirror again and again and calling myself a fairy.
I slept early so that I could wake up and dress up nicely for the school, I took some goodie-bags and a chocolate cake; to share with my friends. Everybody in my class sang me the birthday song and wished me a happy birthday for what it was till that time. I remember sitting alone in my class unwrapping my birthday presents when my music teacher came into the room.
I quickly jumped off my seat and went to greet him.
As he sat on his chair, I stood beside him, awaiting another present. He told me he had brought a present for me but I will have to look for it. I kept searching here in there before he hinted me that it was in his pocket. As I sat on his lap and roamed my hand around in his pockets, I found myself a bar of chocolate. As the bell rang, he put me down quickly and was about to leave asking me not to tell anyone about the chocolate.
I finished my chocolate quickly and continued with the rest of the day. After my school, my mother picked me up and we left for home. I had the chocolate stains on my clothes about which my mother enquired, but I told her it was a secret and we laughed it off. The rest of the day was pretty much fun as I spent most of it with my family at my birthday dinner. I had so much to share it with my friends and so I was anxious to go to school the next day.
I reached way before time so that I could tell the stories about my birthday to all of my friends. It was a Wednesday and I personally liked it as it was our music class that day. I loved music back then and it would interest me the most. We learned the birthday song on piano that day and since it was my birthday only a day before, I got to sing it while the class followed me. As soon as we were starting to enjoy, the bell rang.
I was leaving with the other kids when my teacher called me.
All of my friends had already left the class and it was only us. As I stand beside him once again, he praised my singing and told me that he had a gift for me because I sang very well. I quickly recalled yesterday’s quest and started to look for the gift. He hinted me once again and I repeated the same once again. I found a bar of chocolate once again and he once again told not to tell this to anyone. From that day onward, I remember my only motivation for going to school was to see my music teacher and get myself chocolate. This kept on going for a good few years until my family decided to move to another city where I would go to a new school and make new friends.
I missed my old school and my friends but I was not the one to make any decision because as kids, our emotions don’t matter and are always put behind a censor. As I started to spend time in this new place, I didn’t realize I was growing up until my mom told me that I was. My mom told me I was no longer allowed to wear frocks and I didn’t know why. She gave away all of my pretty little frocks and got me new dresses. She told me I was supposed to censor my legs as I was a girl. This was something that I didn’t understand back then but I do remember that my dressing resembled that of every other girl at my school.
It took me a while to adjust at this new place for the first few years but then as I grew up knowing the place, I was able to walk myself alone to the school. It was a 20-minute walk to the school and I would do it almost every day. During this walk, I would come across all kinds of people. The kind that looked like humans; from the outside, but beasts from the inside, the kind that made realize I was no longer a little angel, but a girl, the kind that made me censor; every part of my body and still feel naked.
I was only 14 but I felt as if I could feed the lust of so many.
I was already getting used to all this and didn’t pay much attention; as it was a regular thing. Thus I would just walk to and from school and ignore these ‘kinds’. Back when I was young, I would desperately wait for summer vacations so that I could stay home all day and enjoy watching movies. But now, I was hating it as I knew I would miss my school time. It was 12 in the noon when I heard the doorbell. I didn’t bother to get up thinking my mother would attend it. To my surprise, I heard it again and soon realized that mom wasn’t home.
I got up from my bed to check the door and ended up welcoming my uncle. As I greeted him inside the house, he greeted me back with the same look on his face. Talking to me while looking at my neck. To me, it wasn’t anything that I hadn’t noticed before so I just walked right into the kitchen to fetch some water for myself and him. He asked me about my studies and exams, enquired about mom. I told him that I had just gotten up and didn’t know where she was. I asked him if he wants me to give her a call to which he refused.
As I sat in front of him, he kept looking at me as if he wanted to say something. I asked him if I should make him some tea to which he replied with a yes. So I got up and went to the kitchen to grab the things I needed soon realizing that he had followed me to the kitchen and thus, I asked if he wanted something to which he responded that he wanted to help.
I smiled and told him that I didn’t need any help to which he responded that he has always wanted to help me.
Followed by this, he grabbed my wrist while I was holding the cup. He asked me to put the cup down and let him help me. At this point, I saw the beast in his eyes, which was about to unleash. Fear gripped me as he held my hand and touched my cheek. I didn’t know if I felt my uncle’s hands or some animal’s claws. My palms were sweaty and my legs started to shake.
Without any further wait, I breathed in all the air I could and screamed at the top of my lungs. He quickly put his hand on my mouth and squeezed it tightly. I remember biting him with all my strength but he just wouldn’t let go of his hands. He grabbed me by the waist and dragged me to the room. As he threw me on the bed I kept screaming for help but all of it just went in vain. He locked the door behind him and began to unbutton his shirt. My heart started thumping faster as my body was no longer censored. As he pushed himself on me, I pushed my beautiful life behind. I was no longer able to scream or move as I felt completely numb.
The journey from a girl to a wrecked object was quick. I remember how exactly I felt. I remember how exactly he made me feel. Worthless. He took his time and fed on me for as long as he wished before leaving me in the pool of my tears. In a few hours, my mum returned and found me in my room crying with agony. I couldn’t spit a word but somehow managed to tell her what had happened.
When my father came, she told him the entire story.
All this time I was looking at him with hopes only to realize that I was no longer his pride but a disgrace. And because I was a girl, my emotions were supposed to be kept censored. I was their little angel only until I wasn’t a victim, I was their life; only until my life wasn’t taken away from me – I was their pride only until my pride wasn’t taken away from me.
I wasn’t able to get out of my room for the next few months which eventually led me to leave school. This didn’t bother anyone because it wasn’t necessary anymore; that I go to school as one doesn’t need to have a college degree; for feeding somebody’s lust.
And this is what I was supposed to do for the rest of my life, that too for the same man who fed on me like a ferocious animal. No, I wasn’t ready for this, no I wasn’t going to let him feed on me; every day, no I will not let him see myself a weak link for the rest of my life and no I will not let my child; go through this hell that I went through, and so here I am…
I am what I have become, killed by you all.
Thankful to everyone who added to this painfully beautiful experience. Thankful to my music teacher, thankful to everyone I came across during my walks, thankful to my uncle, thankful to my family and thankful to all of you who has decided to censor my pain.
I am no longer yours to hurt, I am no longer yours to play. I am all that you made me, I am all that you destroyed. For all that I need now, is just a few moments away.