‘My Own Brother Ruined My Life’ – Story Of A 15-Year-Old

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I am 15 years old, and I am suffering from severe depression. In this age, teenagers enjoy their college life and I am thinking how to die as soon as possible. In this age people have crushes and I hate my own brother, so how could I trust anyone else.

I used to be a jolly girl, I was so social and I loved mingling and communicating with people. Everyone had different hobbies but my hobby was to help people and to befriend them. I thought everyone has a good soul. But my brother proved me wrong. The person I loved so much, my friend, my crime partner. And what I am about to share with you is something I hide from everyone, except one person. My best friend.

2 years back I lost my respect in my own eyes, one day I was not feeling well so I slept, l was 13 years old maybe, and like other children I was so unconscious that if someone beat a drum beside me it wouldn’t have affected me. But that day something awful happened to me. Not rape but yes it was painful. Ok, I am coming to the point now, I was sleeping and when I woke up my clothes were undone. There were scratches all over my body. That day… I was so depressed because I couldn’t share anything with my parents. This would hurt them, might just even kill them from the inside, because he was my only brother and I had to think about the future of my parents.

If I was to tell them the reality, it might kill them. Since they struggled a lot for us. My story does not end here. That day I kept quiet but after that day I couldn’t sleep. I can not bear it if someone touches me or even tried to come near me. I just break out crying when I am alone. In fact, I hate when even my dad touches me, whether he is touching me to show his love, but whenever anyone touches me, it reminds me of everything that has happened to me.

Anyway, after that night it started happening almost daily and I was awake. But still, I couldn’t say a word to anyone. I suffered from these disgusting feelings every day. I just hated myself. I don’t like to touch myself. I don’t want to touch myself because I feel so dirty, filthy, disgusted about my body. But a few months back when I was unable to cope with this feeling anymore, I started keeping myself awake by taking 6 cups of black coffee per day. This prevented me from those actions but it ruined my physical and mental health. It made me unhealthy, depressed, hyper and made me hate myself. I was trying to overcome my depression but I failed, and 2 months back, a boy who is older than me and is like a brother to me. He supported me, cared for me and treated me like a child and I was afraid that he might leave me after knowing the truth about me, but he didn’t, he became more possessive.
 
One day he didn’t reply back to me and I was so worried that I started to send weird messages like “please come back I can not live without your care” etc etc. This was my stupidity, actually it was my depression and insecurity, my poor mental state snatched my best friend away from me. This depression made me drift away from my parents as well because that old, jolly, happy girl was now the most annoyed, angry person in my family and every single member of my family is afraid of my anger and rude behavior. This depression ruined me, made me drift away from my beloveds.
I share my life story to make others aware that sometimes your abuser is in your own house. I have decided I am going to commit suicide. I would rather die because I can’t even look at my face in the mirror anymore.
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