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An aura of memories breeze through my mind, the nostalgia of Kiswa’s scent rattles my heart each passing second and mesmerizing beauty of KAABA sticks in my eyes; and I am back once again in the HARAM courtyard. I am back once again in MASJID AL HARAM. I am back in front of HOLY KAABA when I saw it for the first time.
I am back once again to a place I didn’t want to leave. I feel the cold floor underneath my feet. I feel my feet stuck. I feel the hypnotic breeze mystifying me. No one likes to be under a spell.
But the beauty of KAABA casts a spell on you and especially when you see it for the first time. I was under a spell, a spell which made my mind remember every single sin I had committed in my life. I felt heavy as if my shoulders were carrying the weight of the whole universe on them. I saw my previous life evaporated in front of my eyes – a garbage in every respect.
I forgot who I was. I lost all my authority, pride, stature and achievements. I was a miniature creature, smaller than the smallest living being alive and yet whose sins were heavier than a colossal thing a human mind could envision.
Source: zia/wp
And yet here I was – ALLAH O AKBAR. ALLAH’s mercy had brought me here. I was standing in front of HOLY KAABA, HIS house – BAITULLAH. Suddenly I only wanted one thing, forgiveness. But how do I ask it? My tongue was numb by the mystic aura of KAABA. My lips burdened by my sins. My mind and body found only one way to translate my feelings – tears.
I was crying. I was crying the moment I had entered Mecca and the sight of KAABA seemed to have made it more intense. I was crying more intensely now. My mind and body were dissociated entirely. My feet trembled, with the weight of my whole body crumbling me down. My whole body shivered with the sight of KAABA. I felt like a beggar, a beggar who didn’t have anything. I felt that I was the most sinful person on the face of the earth. I felt drowned by my own sins. I cried and cried. I supplicated, supplicated in a way which even I couldn’t comprehend
Read Also: 9 Essential Duas For Hajj You Need To Know About
My lips didn’t move, my eyes didn’t move and I begged to ALLAH. My heart prayed. My eyes were praying, every cell in my body prayed. I couldn’t utter a word yet I knew my ALLAH would have understood
I could barely walk yet I knew ALLAH would have understood
I couldn’t blink yet I knew ALLAH would have understood. My heart started praying
My lips didn’t move, my eyes didn’t move and I begged to ALLAH. My heart prayed. My eyes were praying, every cell in my body prayed. I couldn’t utter a word yet I knew my ALLAH would have understood
I could barely walk yet I knew ALLAH would have understood
I couldn’t blink yet I knew ALLAH would have understood. My heart started praying
Source: zia/wp
“YA ALLAH YA REHMAN YA RAHEEM KUCH NAI MANGTA TJHSE KCH NAI, KCH B NAI…”
I couldn’t utter these words, I don’t know why and how I was saying these words. Ya ALLAH YA REHMAN YA RAHEEM. I continued to cry, I cried more insanely now. I had lost all control over myself. I was a neonate, a neonate just delivered out of a mother’s womb who knew nothing but crying. He cries for no reason because that is the only thing he knows, that is crying.
He cries when he is happy, he cries when he is sad. He cries in the loudest of pitches, he tries to take attention. I was equivalent to a neonate, I was crying loudly now, I was trying to take attention of my ALLAH, I was oblivious to my surroundings, ignorant to the fact that I was surrounded by the scores of people, I carried on crying loudly. Each cell of my body cried in unison as if in pain, my eyes were flooded with tears. I stood at a point where I had a clear view of KAABA.
I made an NEEYAT to offer two RAKATS of NAFIL prayers. I rose both my hands towards my ears, extended my head a bit, looked at KAABA and my lips uttered a sobbed ALLAH o AKBAR. I started my SALAH but could I offer it? Could I even complete two RAKATS of NAFIL prayers? I didn’t know the answer to my own question because I was crying like anything even during my prayers, I tried, I tried once again. My lips started to move.
‘SUBHANAKALLA HUMMA WABIHAMDIKA WATABA RAKASMUKA WATA AALA JADDUKA WALA ILAHA GHAIRUK’
I was pronouncing my prayers reflexly now, years of training of praying had now made me attuned to prayers, I most of the time offered them reflexly and my mind was somewhere else. I now wanted to offer my prayers in full concentration but I couldn’t as my sobbing made it impossible for me to offer any prayers in a tone which will erase my sins on this holy land. The burden of sins made it difficult for me to offer the prayers. My reflex prayers continued. My crying continued as my lips moved asymmetrically in a tone of a child who had learned to speak for the first time,
‘ALHAMDULILLAH I RABBIL AALAMEEN’
Crying increased as I realized I was saying these to my creator in HIS HOME, what magnificence HE has.
‘ARRAHMAN IR RAHEEM’
How great HE is to bring a sinful person like me in HIS home, and there I was accepting my sins in front of HOLY KAABA.
‘MALIK I YAUM IDDIN’
O my ALLAH I accept that you will decide my fate on the day of judgment. The thought of getting pushed to hell sucked all of my blood out of my body, it sucked all of my bone marrow out of my bones. I felt an intense wave of heat gripped me and my whole body was drowned in sweat. It was as if all I had left in my body is my tears.
Source: zia/wp
‘IYYAKA NA BUDU WA IYYAKA NASTAEEN’
YA ALLAH I only pray to you, whom else should I pray for when you are the all powerful.
‘IHDINASSIRAT AL MUSTAQEEM’
YA ALLAH YA REHMAN YA RAHEEM’
I have been on the wrong path my whole life. YA ALLAH guide me, guide me towards the right path. The path towards Jannah.
‘SIRAT AL LAZINA ANUMTA ALAYHIM GHAIR IL MAGHDOOB I ALAIHIM WALADDALEEN’
Guide me towards the path of the people who are blessed, who are pious and not the one one who are astray. YA ALLAH turn me towards you.
‘AMEEN’
My crying didn’t stop for an instant, not for a single second. It kept on increasing. After surah FATIHA, which surah should I recite? What better surah than surah IKHLAAS to accept the WAHDANIYAT OF ALLAH in front of HOLY KAABA.
‘QUL HOWALLAH O AHAD’
YA ALLAH you are only one. There is no God except YOU.
‘ALLAHUS SAMAD’
YA ALLAH you are eternal, absolute.
‘LAM YALID WA LAM YOULAD’
I accept that you have no father or son.
‘WA LAM YA KUL LAHU KUFUWAN AHAD’
And there is none comparable to YOU. I bowed down in RUKU. Bowing down is said to be the most difficult thing a person has to do. It takes letting go of your ego. And here I was bowing down in ruku and then in sajda.
‘ALLAH O AKBAR’
‘SUBHANA RABBI YAL AZEEM
SUBHANA RABBI YAL AZEEM
SUBHANA RABBI YAL AZEEM’
All praise to ALLAH WHO is the most supreme
I then got up
All praise to ALLAH WHO is the most supreme
I then got up
‘SAMI ALLAH HULIMAN HAMIDA’
‘RABBANA LAKA AL HAMD’
ALLAH O AKBAR
My back arched, my toes on the ground, my knees on the ground, my hands on the ground, my nose and forehead touching the ground in sajda as I forfeit all my pride to ALLAH, ALREHMAN AL RAHEEM. A flood of tears came rocking into my eyes. I cried ferociously,
‘SUBHANA RABBI YAL AALA
SUBHANA RABBI YAL AALA
SUBHANA RABBI YAL AALA’
Source: zia/wp
I always performed my sajda reflexly. I never enjoyed the true taste of sajda, a sajda which melts one’s, heart. I was always quick enough to finish it in a haste after reciting ‘SUBHANA RABBI YAL AALA’ three times and carry on with the rest of my prayers. But here I was on the floor of HARAM, imperatively doing SAJDA for the first time. I felt what prayers were like. I felt what sajda held in it. I felt what bowing down had in it. I was submerged in the aroma of sajda for the first time. I kept on crying for long enough in my sajda for forgiveness. I kept on crying for long enough in sajda. My tears flew on the floor but I cared for none. I was here to bow down in front of my ALLAH. I somehow got back up.
‘ALLAH O AKBAR’
I sat down and then went again in sajda
‘ALLAH O AKBAR’
SUBHANA RABBI YAL AALA
SUBHANA RABBI YAL AALA
SUBHANA RABBI YAL AALA
It is again the tears which I had and sajda seemed to bring them on with full force. I kept on crying for a long time. I got back up.
‘ALLAH O AKBAR’
I was in qiyam now, I recited Surah fatiha and surah IKHLAS once again with the same fervor, bent down again in ruku.
ALLAH O AKBAR
SUBHANA RABBI YAL AZEEM
SUBHANA RABBI YAL AZEEM
SUBHANA RABBI YAL AZEEM
Tears continued.
SAMI ALLAH HULIMAN HAMIDA
RABBANA LAKA AL HAMD
ALLAH O AKBAR
And then again I went in sujood. Sajda once again brought about tears, as if tears flow through my veins rather than blood as if my body was 60% tears rather than water as if my body had nothing but tears. Tears were all I could produce in sajda, tears were all that I had. Tears flew on the floor of masjid al haram.
Tears are all that I had brought with me. I was drowning, I was drowning in my own tears. I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry for long enough. I didn’t want to stop as if crying made me feel lighter. After a long time in sujood I got up.
Tears are all that I had brought with me. I was drowning, I was drowning in my own tears. I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry for long enough. I didn’t want to stop as if crying made me feel lighter. After a long time in sujood I got up.
ALLAH O AKBAR
I sat down and then again went in sujood
ALLAH O AKBAR
Source: zia/wp
SUBHANA RABBI YAL AALA
SUBHANA RABBI YAL AALA
SUBHANA RABBI YAL AALA
This was the last sajda of my short prayer and I gave all I had in it. I cried for redemption. I cried for forgiveness. My legs were numb by now by having to stay in sajda for a long time. My mind was boggled by the posture in which I was. My whole body was looking to fall apart but my eyes produced tears in full flow. I didn’t seem to care about tingling in my mind and my body. I seemed oblivious. I seemed dissociated. I got up after a long time.
ALLAH O AKBAR
I recited
I recited
ATTAHIYYAT O LILLAH I WASSALA WATU WATAYABATU ASSALAMO ALAYKA AYAHUN NABIYU WA RAHMATULLAH I WABARAKATUHU ASSALAMO ALAYANA WA ALA IBADILLAHI SALIHEEN
And then rose my finger to
And then rose my finger to
ASH HADU AN LA ILAHA ILALA HU WAH DAHU LA SHARIKA LAHU WA ASH HADU ANNA MUAMMAD AN ABDUHU WA RASULUHU’
I recited durood shareef
ALLAHUMMA SALLI ALAA MUHAMMIDIN WA ALA ALI MUHAMMIDIN KAMA SALLAITA ALA IBRAHIMA WA ALA ALI IBRAHIMA INNAKA HAMEED UM MAJEED
ALLAHUMMA BARIK ALAA MUHAMMIDIN WA ALA ALI MUHAMMIDIN KAMA BARAKTA ALA IBRAHIMA INNAKA HAMEED UM MAJEED
RABBIJ ALNI MUQEEM AS SALATI WA MIN ZURRIYATI RABBANA WATA QABBAL DUAA RABBANA AGHFIRLI WALI WALIDAYYA WALIL MUMININA YAUMA YAQUM UL HISAB
My face was wet with tears. My whole body was wet with sweating.
I turned my face towards right
I turned my face towards right
ASSALAMO ALIKUM WA RAHMA TULLAH
I turn my face towards left
ASSALAMO ALIKUM WA RAHMA TULLAH
Then …………….
You come back from that place but your mind and your soul refuse to leave. It is as if you linger on in between. Your mind and body is dissociated and the only thing left is a biting nostalgia which bites you every day, every passing second; as your body yearns to return back to its soul and mind which is a place where you find ALLAH closest to you, where your mind and heart resonates at an incomprehensible frequency and a place where this hyper-resonance produces a fluid through your eyes, which is known as tears in common language. But it is hard to believe those actually are tears especially considering the pain which those tears portray.
Source: zia/wp
Each drop of tear carries with it a pain so big that one has to argue with the strength these tears have. Each drop of tear has the burden of a sin which I have committed in my life, sins so large as to fill the whole universe and yet here are my tears which carry their burdens in a way so as to feel lighter and yet again I fall.
I fall with trembling legs, I fall with shaking hands, I fall in sajda in the courtyard of haram, in front of HOLY KAABA. I fall without my ego and sins. Crying is what I only have, tears are what I only have brought as I am the beggar of beggars and I ask my ALLAH. I ask through my tears, I ask through my eyes, I ask through my heart as I can’t speak. My tongue and lips can’t move. My sound producing apparatus is paralyzed.
My head on the ground, I become a beggar who can only ask. I ask ALLAH for forgiveness, forgiveness of all the sins which I have committed, forgiveness of all the wrong deeds I have done. I am a rotten statute of sins with my head on the ground who has somehow known how to cry. I try to get up but the burden of my sins doesn’t let me get up.
I cry, I cry and my tears speak, a language which I don’t understand but yet I know my ALLAH would understand. I cry, I cry because that’s the only thing I know. I cry, I cry because all I have left in my body is my tears. I cry, I cry because my heart pumps tears to each cell of my body. I cry, I cry because that’s the only thing which will grant me forgiveness. I cry, I cry because I want my body to break down here. I cry, I cry because I want my soul to leave my body here.
I cry, I cry because I want all the pious men to say my JANAZAH here in haram because that is the only way I would be forgiven of my sins – pious man praying for me. I cry, I cry because I don’t want to cry on the day of judgment.
And..
And……
I cry, I cry as I see this picture after 52 weeks. I cry, I cry because I miss the prayers of HARAM. I cry, I cry because I miss the taste of sujood. I cry, I cry because I miss the view of KAABA. I cry, I cry because I miss the aroma of Mecca city.
