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“Khuda behter karay ga.” That’s what I’ve been taught. That’s what has been engraved in my mind… To accept what has happened and move on. For someone like me, with wavering belief in God, that’s not easy to accept. I can’t grasp the concept of moving on without some sort of closure. Yes, maybe what I lost was not good for me, maybe there are better things in store… but can one really come to that conclusion without some sort of mourning period.
We are taught not to cry, not to grieve. But isn’t that what gets us through? After we are done crying, then only can we stand up again. We must accept the pain and the loss. We must embrace it. The nights spent crying and thinking “what if”, is what will help us get over it.
Since I’ve entered formal education I’ve been taught that the universe is infinite, that E = mc2, that ‘i before e, except before c’, but no one taught me how to deal with loss. No one taught me how to deal with this constant ache in my heart. No one taught me how to put on a fake smile. No, I had to teach myself. And those are the real lessons.
It takes time. You cannot force it. That’s what they don’t understand. There is no formula to get over loss; if there was I wouldn’t be writing this. Instead I would have “gotten over it”, accepted it and moved on. But I haven’t been able to do it. I tried to take the easy way out. To forget about it; I cried for a week, but then I said fu*k it. But what I’ve learnt is that there are no five easy steps that will help you cope up . To cope up you must be brave enough to actually give a way to your feelings; your feelings of loss and despair.
To all those who tell me to “stop thinking like that”, and “it’s been two months now!”… what is two months compared to three years? Do you think I can get over the loss of something I gave three years to in two months? Why shouldn’t I grieve? Why shouldn’t I cry? Whether it takes a week, a month or even a year, not being able to express my loss will lead to not being fully able to accept it. Don’t let them tell you to “get over it”. Loss is not something you can “get over.”
This is what they didn’t teach you about loss. You can cry. You can scream. You can put on a fake smile. Or you may choose not to. How you choose to deal with loss is your decision alone. Don’t let anyone dictate that. The loss is yours and you must embrace it. For a year, you may wake up only to remember what you had tried to forget last night… And that is OKAY. Moving on isn’t a decision that happens over night. You make a choice to let go every day.
However, there will come a morning when you wake up you won’t remember why you were sad the previous night.
As for me? I’m still waiting for that morning. Maybe one of these days, when I’m ready. But not now.