Infatuation

Infatuation

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He was standing in a long queue of people; when suddenly something got his attraction. There was a girl sitting round the corner, that girl had her hair spread on her face while some of them were covered under the hood on her head, she wore no make-up and had an ordinary face. She was sitting all alone with headphone tightly plugged into her ears while she kept her eyes onto her laptop’s screen.He was pushed from behind as the line moved ahead, he kept on moving but wasn’t able to remove his gaze from her. He saw her moving fingers on the keyboard, he saw her muffled smile, he kept on gawking on her partially covered and partially spread hair. He could see her eye brows and how their movement was tickling the small strand of hair lying on them.

He forgot his purpose of standing in the queue. Her appearance glued his eyes to her. It appeared to him that he was right in the middle of a storm and there was no escape. Maybe he didn’t want to escape when suddenly the storm itself stopped. He noticed her fingers weren’t moving anymore. He looked up and saw her looking towards sky, her back leaning against back of bench as if she was in the same state as him. Another push from behind brought him back to present as he suddenly realized he was there to pay his university fee. He looked in front of him and saw more than a dozen people waiting for their turn. He turned back his attention to the girl but was surprised to see her packing her bag and getting ready to leave. Her hair was waving with the cold breeze. That brunette had something in her which made him forget what he was doing. As she started to walk she attracted the south pole. He broke the line and started following her. He asked himself was he stalking her? But there was no answer.

The heart beats followed his steps which followed her steps. He could see her leaving through gate and going into the chaos of people ahead moving towards the cafeteria. He paced himself as he saw her pacing and suddenly he stopped. He couldn’t move a step. He saw her turned and having a glimpse of him but he was wrong he saw another man running from back towards her. She smiled, shook hands and removed the hood covering her hair. He saw her hair bouncing with the winds, she brought her hand towards her hair and pushed the strands on her eyebrows back. He wished standing there he was not a human but a particle of dust moving with the wind as they have the audacity to reach near her. She then giggled on something the man said and they started to move again to destination. With her moved his legs once again. He willed himself not to follow her anymore but he couldn’t resist the state that empowered him.

He saw her seated, and found himself leaning against a pole. He saw other men and women joined her on that table. They started to giggle and share a laugh with each other. When he saw her lips carving a smile, he realized that suddenly his lips were carving similar shapes. He stood there watching her but for her he was nothing but non-existent. Not for a semi-nanosecond he had a glimpse from her onto him. Soon the group stood from their benches and started to walk out of the café.

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Source: thestir.cafemom.com

He once again felt an urge to follow her but something stopped him. He could never understand the state he was in where he had no control of his own body all he could have known the face smiling ahead of him is the only face his eyes wants to see. The hands doing the hair are the only hands he wanted to be in if he was a strand of hair. The feet moving on the ground were the feet he wanted to step on him if he was ever to be a part of dust. He saw her leaving but he couldn’t move. One after another she took step and with each step he saw her getting bewildered in the chaos of people ahead yet he felt an internal joy which was still unknown to him.

The day clinched but his mind could certainly not impede the notion of the time he spent watching her. The night fell but not even the sleep could waive off his mind from the thought of her. He was still fancying her last steps moving away from him. He could still not get away from the bright smile he saw earlier in the day. As the night darkens her thought on him impeded him more from sleeping until the time when his eardrums vibrated with the melody of Fajr prayers. He got off from his bed, performed his ablution, made his way towards the prayer mat, spread it onto the floor and offered his Fajr prayer. After the prayer he went in Sajdah for plea and with her in his mind and “Allah” on his lips he finally slept of on the prayer mat.

The luminescence of the sun fell on his eyes waking him up from the dream he was having. He realized it was time for him to start his day once again in reality as his dream has come to an end. He readied himself up for the university and got on his way. Reaching the university’s principle postern and entering it, his eyes began to search for the glimpse from tomorrow. His heart beats sounded his ear and an adrenaline rushed in his, body making him anxious for the moment of past day to continue once again. His mind was sacred for the glimpse to happen again but wished for it to happen again. He was again in a state where he couldn’t determine what was passing on him.

He rushed towards his department to take his class but before he could, his eyes have that glimpse once again. He saw her standing near by the tuck shop. No matter how much he urged himself to not make his way to the tuck shop he couldn’t resist himself. He saw his feet making steps towards the tuck shop. His heartbeats became so loud his ears vibrated with the resonance. There she was in front of his eyes leaning on the counter of the tuck shop and suddenly, the voices seemed to diminish. A pen clenched between her teeth as she redid her hair in a bun. Her hair band enveloped around her wrist as she fixed the little strands of hair that fell sloppily over her forehead. She gave her neck a pint-size jolt and fixed the band on her hair and pulled the pen. She questioned her friend if her hair looked fine. She then smiled and gave an ecstatic scream to order tea. She was then given the steaming cup of tea. She gently brought it near her lips, took a sip, paid for it and made her way up the stairs. He stood there all frozen staring her once again leaving. He this time had no urge to follow her but instead he was trying to carve her sipping from the cup into his memories for ever. One after another her steps moved up on the stairs and with each step his heart pounded until his eyes lost her vision.

He stood there by the stairway neither did he blinked nor did he spoke. He kept on staring the stairs on which she was stepping to move away from him. He could neither hear the people surrounding nor could he envision what was happening around him all he could see was his previous memory playing in front of him. He kept on reliving that memory until one of his friend saw him and shook him. The wobble brought him in reality once again where he realized that he has to make his way to his class. Unwillingly he stomped on the ground and felt that his feet were not having shoes made up of leather but made up of metal.

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Source: www.tumblr.com

Days pass by but his eyes were not blessed by the vision. He made himself to believe that the moments he canvased earlier were the last of her he could ever envision. He felt an internal joy and thanked God for them when he heard the call for Friday prayers. He made his way towards the masjid, performed ablution and sat down to hear the sermon. As soon as the prayer ends he made a plea to Allah and offered two naf’l to thank Allah for the moments he had, that he could preserve for his life.

On his way out of masjid he could once again saw her seated at the corner of a building but this time she was not as he canvased her. The smile that he always carved in his mind on her face was nowhere to be seen but instead the lips were curved the other way round and the sparkling eyes were not glittering instead he saw that first tear broke free, the rest followed in an unbroken stream. She sat on the floor and pressing her palms to the mat, she began to cry with the force of a person heaving on all fours. He could see traces on her skin similar to those which are left after rain made its way through the mud. One of the tear felt on her lips but instead of rubbing her she let it flow into her mouth as if she was still happy from inside but it was her outside that depicts the melancholic her.

The picture of her made him anxious and the urged him to move to her. He knew not what he would say when he would be in the vicinity but still he couldn’t resist the internal force that drive him to her. One step after the other he moved himself near to her. His eyes blinking, heart pounding so much so that it felt that he missed a beat or two and finally a shock-wave made its way through his body. He trembled and tried to sojourn himself but it was as if he no more had a control of himself and there he reached where she was seated. “Why are you crying?” he murmured. Soon the gaze of her eyes found their way into his eyes, another shock-wave but this time to his heart. The lips of his curled themselves into a smile thus turned his cheeks red. He saw that she never waved off the gaze and stared him thenceforward enchanting him.

“Who are you?” she said. “Someone who cared about you?” “Really?” she dried of her tears and smiled. Then she gave him an angry look, rose up from where she was seated and made her way away from him. He once again wanted to follow her but this time he controlled his urge and once again saw her leaving into the crowd. He wondered over why he did what he did but the only answer he got was deep silence. He regretted his actions thinking maybe it lost him all his chance to ever talk to her but his mind couldn’t be at peace and kept on thinking about the reason which made that beloved beauty to cry.

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Source: rebloggy.com

He kept on thinking and the day concluded once again. That night once again became sleepless for him as he couldn’t figure the reason that could make her cry. He felt helpless because he wanted to eradicate the reason for her tears. He twisted and turned on his bed. He laid down and rose up but could never be at rest and kept on picturing that tear which made its way into her mouth.

Once again the dawn arrived, the Fajr called but this time he never answered his call to the prayer and soon the sun made its way and dazzled his sleepless eyes. He could never get her off from his mind. With every hour passing and the time for making his way to university, coming near his mind got more anxious. He knew he wouldn’t be able to control his urge once again if he saw her tearing down. But he also has an urge to meet her, an urge to see her and urge that he has no control over. He readied himself but this time he never felt an appetite. Once again he entered the principle postern and felt an internal urge to see her. His eyes started to search for that beauty but she was nowhere to be seen.

He made his way towards the class but still he couldn’t waive her off from his mind. The day was passing but his eyes couldn’t see what they wanted to see. They were wandering here and there but could have the vision they were waiting for whole day long. The sun had too been tired now and was near to set. The university had now lost most of its population and a handful remaining were making their way towards their home. He too made his way towards his way back but still his search didn’t end and he helplessly pleaded for that one last picture of her. He wished to see her smiling for the last time so that his yearning could come to an end.

He did saw her again but in a way that couldn’t make his pain go away but instead in a way that made him yearn more. He saw that salt water was again dripping from dark-blue rim around the iris. Each drop made him anxious and he soon lost control over his own body and felt that power in his legs which forced him to walk and walk right to place where she was seated. Everything had paused. He had a tunnel vision only of her. That was all he could see. Minutes went by and he continued to look her, not batting an eyelid. This was something he had never felt before.

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Source: www.thedailytouch.com

“You are not meant to shed tears,” he said to her with a deeply saddened voice. “You again?” “I don’t need to know why are you crying but I just need to tell you something” “What?” “Don’t let these tear shed, don’t let them touch the ground there is someone who can die for just preserving one drop of them.” “Who?” This time he smiled, took a few steps back and made his way towards the crowd. “Stop” she shouted. He turned and have a look at her. She rose up from where she was seated and came near to him, “Why is that I see you crying for me. You don’t even know me?” “I do know you. You don’t know me.” “How can I trust you?” “You may not expect me to be faithful. But, you must try me at least once. You gave yourself to this world. Now try making me your own!”He said with a smile on his face and once again started to walk away.

She once again called him, “I give you! I give you the chance you want.” He turned towards her and said, “It’s not infatuation its love. It’s not water its fire.” She smiled and said, “I know”. He heard the call for Maghrib prayer but in his excitement he ignored and hold her hands and started to explain what he did for her. He went on explaining everything he felt and did when she knew him not. She then started to explain her side of the story to him and the love blossomed between them. That day when he went back it was another sleepless night as he couldn’t stop talking to her on his mobile and couldn’t stop imaging how he met her. His internal joy grew and he reached in a state of ecstasy.

The next day changed for him. He readied himself, rushed his way towards the university but while entering the postern his eyes no longer had to search for the picture that began his day instead he saw her standing by the postern. He passed a smile to her and saw her facing carving one for him too. The eyes for whom he was nothing but non-existence this time charmed for him. He saw the sparkling iris shining once again. They made there their way to their respective classes but their phone made them to know everything about each other. Soon the classes separating them came to an end, and he met her. They started to share a laugh together. For them they became the best company. Other than classes they were never seen apart from each other in the University’s premises. They soon started to become each others habit.

One Friday when as per schedule he reached university he was dazzled to see that she was nowhere to been seen. He called her but she never replied to his call. An internal sorrow engraved him. He started to search for her helplessly and felt an internal yearn and repeated,“I couldn’t understand what is the intent of your gaze. Shy this moment, and inviting the next, what is this game? For God’s sake, reveal yourself now”. He visited all the known places, asked everyone they both have mutual but all his efforts turned vain. He could hear the Friday prayer calling but he ignored it in his pain and kept on thinking where she could be. He knew his efforts are going vain but he never gave up his search. Time went by and he could see everyone going for prayer but he insisted on staying as he want to desperately had just one, one view of her before he could leave for prayers. The prayers came to an end and he saw everyone leaving the masjid.

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Source: wifflegif.com

He too made his way into the crowd and without realizing he reached the cafeteria. At the gate of cafeteria, he saw her standing and smiling. He rushed towards her to meet her but before he could reach he was bumped from behind by another man who rushed and hugged her in front of his eyes. He felt an internal anger but he controlled his anger as he trusted her more than he trusted himself or his eyes. He saw her leaving with the other man and once again he felt as if he was non-existent for her.

He picked himself up from the ground, his mind asking numerous question from him for which he had no answers. He tried to call her name but his call was left unheard. He rushed after her and could envision her giggling and laughing with the other man, he still couldn’t figure out. He saw her in same state in which she was a day before with him. His mind couldn’t figure the picture he was looking ahead of his eyes. “Who is he?” he questioned her with a slight anger and confusion once he reached where she was seated. She looked at him. His heart pounded as before.She passed a smile to him and said, “The person I cared the most for.” “What was I to you then? An Infatuation?”

“No! I did care for you. You will always be there to me as a friend. Indeed, a close one but” she replied with a muffled smile on her face. “A smile dare not creep upon these lips. This is a matter of the heart not just an infatuation! When you have fallen in love you shall see love is no infatuation.” “But …” before she could complete he left her seated. This time he had an urge to not see her again but his eyes keep on gawking her as if they were trying have that one last glimpse of her. He felt a pain, a great pain so great it yearns and left him helpless. A tear dropped from his eyes while he saw her mocking his pain and smiling. He saw her laughing while his eyes cried.

Soon he lost his sight of her but his mind couldn’t waive off the moments he saw earlier. He rushed himself back to his hostel. He jumped onto his bed and tried to sleep but his mind could never stop thinking about her. He remembered all the time he ever spent with her. His eyes once again started to seep out the salty water. It flowed down his iris and pooled onto the bed. He could feel it wet. The sun set down and with it the moon rose but her thoughts on his mind were never waived off.

Days passed and he still couldn’t waive of her off his mind. He entrapped himself in an isolation just to get off her but this could never help him, the more he isolates himself the more he envisioned her in front of him. Her smile that once pounded his heart so much so that it could miss a beat appeared to him now as a mock on his suffering. He tried to console his weeping eyes but they never stop leaking. He begged the sleep but it seemed that it no more wants to be a friend of him. Appetite, peace and smile were things that now have no relation to him. All he was now a helpless and yearned soul.

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Source: amongooseunderthehouse.tumblr.com

One similar helpless night when he was still envisioning her, his eyes still weeping for her and he begging for the sleep. He heard the call for Fajr prayers. The helplessness forced him to make his ablution and soon he found himself prostrating before the Almighty. He finished his prayers and once again went to plead Almighty but this time he didn’t pleaded for her but pleaded for her thoughts to be waived off from his mind. He pleaded for his eyes to no more ooze for her. Soon sleep made his way towards him and he dozed off on the prayer mat with his tears still making the mat wet.

The sun dazzled his eye lids and once again he was brought back to reality but this time he couldn’t feel the pain. The helplessness in him went away. His eyes were no more oozing and his mind was no more picturing her. He thanked Almighty once again, readied himself for his university and soon reached the principle postern of the University. His eyes no more searched for the face they used to. His mind never toggled his thought of her waiting for him. His helplessness while picturing her was nowhere to be seen and the pain he felt earlier no more tangled him.

One fine Friday when he came out of the Masjid he saw her again seated at the same place where she was when he saw her crying for the first time. He saw that the smile on her face was nowhere to be seen, her eyes has once again lost her sparkles and tears were once again oozing their way out of her iris. He felt an urge to stop her from wasting her tears but when he remembered his tears for her he overcame the urge and passed her by ignoring her like she doesn’t even exist.

She saw him, her eyes regained a spark, her lips carved a smile and she rose up from where she was seated and started to follow him. She never spoke a single word but just followed him like a shadow. One step after another she took after him carefully enough to not let him know that she was after him. She saw him smiling and a smiled carved on her face. She could feel her heart beating and pounding. An urge grew in her to talk to him. She tried to overcome it but it was as if she had no control over her body. She paced after him. Her eyes never blinked and kept on gawking until the urge took over her completely and she shouted his name. He stopped and turned back. Soon the gaze of his eyes found their way into her eyes, shock-wave to her heart. The lips of her curled themselves into a smile thus turned her cheeks red. She saw that he never waved off the gaze and stared her thenceforward enchanting her.

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Source: giphy.com

“What is that you want from me?” he asked her. “You!” “I was an Infatuation to you not love.” “You may not expect me to be faithful. But, you must try me at least once. You gave yourself to this world. Now try making me your own! Lift the veil now, it has been long since the world broke into recitation of praise. For God’s sake. My darling, I cannot bear to see this struggle now.” “Broke my heart, and tortured me plenty. Perhaps a kind gaze this way now? Forever my sight offended you. Perhaps direct a smile my way now? In love I have born every wound inflicted. All this is in custody of my sincerity to you. The way that you tease me day and night. Try to tease another and see!” He saw a tear dropped down her eyes but he ignored it this time, turned his back towards her and started to move ahead. She stood there watching him leave. Her eyes became desperate to one last glimpse that she could savor for her herself for life but he never turned for that last glimpse. It was as if he was in too much peace and he no more need her glimpse to make his helplessness go away.

With his feet stepping away from her, she became anxious, her heart started to pound and she started to feel a pain. The pain which grew to a yearn. A feeling of helplessness encircled her, a stream of tears made their way into her eyes and her mind could never get off him. She kept on envisioning him going away from her. Her eyes soon lost his glimpse and he got lost in the crowd but her mind couldn’t lose him.

The time went by sun settled and the moon rose. She saw the crowd of the university leaving but her eyes kept on searching for him. He was nowhere to be seen. She started to plead to Almighty for blessing her with just one last glimpse of him but she could never got hold of that plead. She ran to all the areas they had been together but he was nowhere to be seen. Inside she started to shout his name. Her mind started to raise questions which she could never answer for. All her efforts to search for him turned vain and soon the day came to an end.

The next she came early and started to wait for him at the postern like she you used to do earlier. One after another she could saw people entering but the glimpse her eyes wanted to preserve could be seen nowhere. The day turned to noon but she could never saw what she what wanted. An anxiousness rose in her heart. Once again she was left helpless. The pain made its way towards her. The smile purged away. She pleaded for a sight of him but it was as if her pleas went unheard.

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Source: www.tumblr.com

She heard Maghrib prayers calling and made her way towards the Masjid with a hope of finding him there. She waited outside the Masjid hoping that he may be inside praying. The prayer came to an end. She saw people leaving. With every footstep leaving her helplessness grew. The pain encircled her. Soon she lost her hope of finding him and made her way away from the Masjid. Her eyes kept on urging to turn back in a hope that she may see her beloved once again but his vision for her was not what was written. The day soon ended and she made her way back to her home.

She went to her room, locked it up and tried to sleep but this time the sleep even parted away from her. She twisted and turned in helplessness. She wanted to be at peace but it was long gone. She begged for sleep but it never came instead all she could see was his picture playing in front of her wet eyes. The tears kept on streaming down and her heart felt an internal pain. She wanted this feeling to part away but it never did instead it grew and a fire started to burn her from inside. Soon she realized that the night was nowhere to be seen and the sun conquered it’s darkness. She readied herself once again for University, again with a hope that she could have just one, one last glimpse of him which could purge away the helplessness, the pain and the tear.

She reached the university but this instead of waiting for him at the principle postern she made her way to the masjid and seated herself near the masjid’s garden. Her wait for him began. Soon she heard the call for Asr prayers and a hope grew in her that this would be when she would have just one glimpse of him. The last glimpse of him. She saw a crowd of people entering in the Masjid. Her eyes kept on searching for him. One after another she saw men entering but nowhere among them could she saw him.

The prayer soon came to an end and soon men started to leave the Masjid. Once again she felt helplessness around her as her eyes searched for him. Her eyes were on a verge of failing but suddenly she had a tunnel vision of him walking down the isle of Masjid. A smile carved on her lips. She wanted to preserve that vision of him forever but an uncontrollable urge grew in her. She rose up from where she was seated and made her way towards him. She saw him pacing away so she paced after him. She followed him once again and the urge forced her to call his name.

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Source: giphy.com

“What is that now you want from me? Haven’t you destroyed me enough already?” He turned and questioned. “But I love you” “For you it was always an infatuation and for me it was always love.” “You were right. When you fall in love; you see love is no infatuation. Wound upon wound inflicted. Sip after sip of your own blood. Let out not a sigh, seal you lips. This is love, not infatuation!” “At least! You will not mock my suffering then.” “I know love is not easy. As said it’s a river of fire and we have to drown in it all.” He smiled and said, “But for me you’re no more a love. I have a greater love. I need your love no more to bring me my peace I am at my peace now.” “So! I was an infatuation to you?” “No! Never you were always my love and will always be.” “Then how could you got over me this easy?” “Easy?” smiled sarcastically while he said it, “It was a journey to shed blood. It wasn’t an easy one. My love with you will be an infatuation in front of my love now. An infatuation: that made me know what love is. An infatuation: that changed from who I was. An infatuation: which forced me to really fall in love.”

“Who is that you love now? Who is that person you hold so esteemed?” “Who said that I love a person? I am in love but not with a person. I was loving you until one day it struck me in prostration that if loving you was so beautiful that it changed me from whom I was then how will it be to love Someone who made something as beautiful as yourself. It was then that all my helplessness went away. It was then that my eyes streamed no more of tears and it was then that I could never think of you.” She stood there in silence and could see tears dropping down his eyes.

“I considered you my god. It was your sight I waited that Friday instead of answering to Allah who waited for my arrival. You left me even though I gave you all my love. You chose someone else over me despite knowing the fact that I considered you my everything. You continued to smile that day knowing the fact that your smile was mocking my pain. But He continued to savor me despite the fact that I ignored Him for you. He gifted me you knowing that I never thanked Him for what He blessed earlier. He showed me the way when I had no where to go. He made my pain and helplessness go stray even though I cried and pleaded your name on a mat designated to chant His name. How could it happen that I say I love you when I love Him? You were my obsession and my devotion. I use to worship your smile and idolize your eyes. You were my habit. But when He becomes your devotion and obsession then ecstasy you sense is much greater than one I felt earlier named for you. Worshiping Him brought me peace, worshiping you made me yearn. So don’t you think I should worship Him?”

“I am asking you to Love me not worship me.” “Love is incomplete without worship. If you’re in love, then you’re a devotee and if you’re a devotee than you have to worship the one you devote for. A love without worship is nothing but an infatuation and I cannot consider you my infatuation.” She saw him moving away from her. Every step he made away from her made her fall for him more but she knew it was the last of him she could ever envision. She knew that he could never be her love because never did she ever idolized him as he did but she knew loving him was to love the One he loved the most and loving the One he loves the most would render him as an infatuation which she could never have let happen now.

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