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It is loneliness that drove us away and loneliness that brought us back.
I don’t know how to be poetic about this.
Because, lying here with your front to my back, we are as close as the two opposite sides of the same coin and just as far apart.
I don’t know how to be poetic about this.
Because, Poetry is beautiful and there is nothing even remotely beautiful about crushing, crippling loneliness or even its more socially acceptable alias: solitude.
I don’t know how to be poetic about this.
Because, Even after you wrap a lump of dirt in the prettiest of wrappings and leave it be for eons to come, in its heart of hearts, it will always remain just as useless and just as black.
I don’t know how to be poetic about this.
Because, there is nothing fascinating or mysterious about me when I’m alone at night with your arms wrapped tight around my waist, anchoring me to yourself while my own are *shamelessly flung far and wide for a stronghold, any place to hide. Any place to get my bearings, any place to escape the loneliness.
I don’t know how to be poetic about this.
Because, There is nothing loving about the way you, even in your own abyss, your personal pit of despair*, a slave to your own demons, *you reject me for foreign and better lands that we both know will never be yours to have.
I don’t know how to be poetic about this.
Because, even if you were to have me, my darling, my loneliness would remain intact because it is not a lack of love that drives me first into and then out of your arms but a fear of what you might see when you look into* me with your sad, brown eyes. Eyes almost as sad as my own, your eyes warm enough to melt glaciers but not nearly warm enough to thaw the fear that envelopes my heart.
I don’t know how to be poetic about this.
Because, even in your arms, my darling, I am afraid and it is fear that snatches me from your arms and throws me into the less merciful ones of loneliness.
Because it is fear that makes me unlovable, even more so than any earthly vice ever could…
Also See: “Don’t Cry Like A Woman If You Can’t Stand Your Ground Like A Man!” – Tania Umar
Also See: In Conversation With Sanchita: The Indian Out To Change The World
