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(WARNING: GUYS BE CAREFUL WHO YOU MARRY. This happened to a close friend of mine.)
My friend was engaged to this girl and he loved her. I don’t recall anytime I have ever seen this guy smoke, do drugs or engage in haram activities. (He is a doctor BTW). This girl told him about her past about how she had some boyfriends when she was younger. She admitted doing some unmentionable acts with them.
She was once engaged to someone as well and her parents broke it off because the guy lied about his job. Slowly she told him about her drug habits, her friends’ habits, smoking habits of herself and her family, etc. My friend asked her to stop before the marriage and she agreed.
Afterward, the fights started as she used to shout at him over the phone. Then her parents would take away her phone and ask the guy to stop calling because the girl is not feeling well. The girl would later call the guy to apologize for stealing back her phone. This happened a few times over the course of a few months.
The time came for the wedding night and the girl refused to partake in the customs. Later she even refused to ‘love him’ and used to curse him daily like how lucky he was to get a beautiful girl like her, he was a coward, loser, etc. This guy never forced himself on her and gave her rightful Mehr and the wedding night gift. She started demanding money from him saying she would only love him when she’s ready.
Time went on and my friend lavished his money on her but I never saw him happy. Every night he used to endure physical and verbal abuse by this girl because of so-called “LOVE”. She would threaten to call her parents and others if he didn’t agree to her demands immediately. She would leave to go to her parents’ house without telling him and ask him to pick him.
She was used to asking him to drop her at her friends’ house late at night and told him she would call him about the time to pick her up. She continued her drug habits because currently, she didn’t feel love for him. One night it got so violent that she dug deep and took out a piece of flesh from his arm.
This guy who used to be funny and smart was suddenly a dark, sullen cloud and we couldn’t figure out why. He started avoiding all of us friends and we thought the new couple must be madly in love so we never asked.
About a month in, he had said enough to his wife and if she didn’t at least talk kindly and respectfully towards him, he would stop spending money on her. This pushed her off the edge and she called the entire household to complain. After this, his mother heard all the abuse and she called the girl’s parents. Her parents shouted at first and then finally admitted some of her faults. Khula took place and my friend was never the same again. A few weeks later he went to the UK and Mashallah he is working in research with one of the top companies in the country. He told us this story when we inquired about his disappearance.
When we hear “Domestic Abuse”, we usually assume it is a horrible, demonic guy wreaking havoc on a poor, innocent angelic girl. This girl, we assume, would have been whole-heartedly dedicated to the marriage while the EVIL guy was some hyper crazed maniac who disregarded the girl’s pure love.
Movies, films, songs and other forms of media have propagated this idea vehemently. Currently, people in the United States, most of Europe and other countries are recognizing this as a serious issue. The reason we do not hear domestic abuse against men very frequently is two reasons:
a) We think a man is stronger, thus any verbal and/ or physical abuse by a woman is justified.
b) It’s a laughable and an emasculating act for a man to report it. If you report something against a woman, you’re not a real man.
When we see a man hitting a woman, we instantly assume that the man is a horrible person. When we see a woman hitting a man, we instantly assume that she’s standing up for her rights and surely the man must have done something heinous.
I ask the men to stop idolizing women (because of beauty) and treat them for what they really are; people. Befriend the good and punish the bad equally.