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Once upon a time, in a far far away land, I swiped right, and it was a match! Yeah, it all started with Tinder. That’s where I met Catherine (not her real name). When our conversation on Tinder didn’t simmer down we decided to meet up. Previous experience with first dates helped me keep my expectations in check, though – it was always a one-night fling followed by a week of no messages and then finally – unmatched.
But she was different. Not only due to her looks – a blonde and blue eyed girl who was way out of my league – but also because she was no different from me on an intellectual level. I mean, I never expected to meet another weirdo like me but there she was – sitting opposite to me in an overpriced Indian.
So this was my reaction when we started dating on a regular basis…
I’ll take a detour here to introduce myself. I am, as most people in the Clifton and Defence areas of Karachi would say, a Bun Kabab. Born and bred in the North Nazimabad region of Karachi, I was your standard Sharmila desi boy who would think a million times before raising his eyes to even glance at a girl.
I even went through a serious crisis when I first came to Canada. Why? Because I was expected to hug girls or shake their hands when greeting them, a thing that was an absolute no-no back home. That used to be the extent of my sharifness but things changed after a while, as they always do when you don’t have your ami’s chapal to worry about.
Anyways back to the white girl. Here are 6 things you should know if you are a bun kabab and find yourself dating a white girl:
1. They come with a lot of baggage:
All of the girls you have ever had a romantic affiliation with (and let’s be honest there are painfully few of them) are “Facebook Lovers” for the most part. Your love stories probably don’t even transcend into the real world but that’s not the case with white girls. They usually come with a lot of baggage.
Birth Controls pills, anti-depressants, one night stands were the topics that would often come up when Catherine would talk about her past. Compare those to my stories about secret Dunkin Donut dates and MUN crushes and you would understand why I would clench my fist in rage whenever we had those conversations. But love is supposed to be blind, eh? (and deaf and a simpleton)
2. You might have to spend your money buying alcohol for her which would feel like shit.
I don’t drink at all. Even the sight of a beer store causes the “Haram Haram!!!” alarms to go off in my mind. So when one day I had to watch my money being used to purchase a bottle of red wine – I felt my guts twist and turn in the most obnoxious way.
Cathrine wanted to gift a bottle of wine to her friend and her card wasn’t working. So like a gentleman, I stepped in and paid for it.
You might also have to do that one day, so be prepared!
3. She is open about guys hitting on her
You might count that as a plus but don’t forget, we are in the Goraland – the stuff they say over here will make Gabbar Singh’s catcalling look cute.
Whenever she is working late at her office or is busy on Friday nights, a voice in your head would whisper stuff like:
“Maybe she is with the Mexican guy who said he wants to cuddle with her or maybe she is with her colleague who said he would like to take her on a vacation.”
Goodbye, good night’s sleep!
4. The only relationship you can joke about with your family.
Because they wouldn’t believe a single word you say. Unless you send them pictures but you wouldn’t do that, right?
5. Most of the times you won’t be able to share food with her:
I have always had “paeto” friends. You know what that means? That means fighting tooth and nail to put every single grain of rice, every single crumb of bread into your mouth before they do. Otherwise, you would go home hungry.
Unfortunately, Cathrine was no different from my friends. She would always sit beside me in a restaurant and take the liberty of nibbling on my food – to my utter horror! I wasn’t able to do the same because she would order dishes with pork in them.
So I would sit there – smiling as I watched her eat all of her food along with a quarter of mine – planning on what snacks I would steal from her kitchen once we go back to her place.
6. Intimacy is not an option:
I hope by now you would have realized that I am the opposite of whatever Zara Haider is. I still hold fast to the principles of Islam and that doesn’t go well when you are in a relationship with a white girl. You would have to come up with weird excuses to avoid making out on the third date. But that wouldn’t last long and reality would eventually catch up with you resulting in a breakup.
I know one part of your brain would be humming “marriage marriage…” over and over again. Punch that part in the face because that’s not how things work over here. Unlike Desis, most of the urban white population marry when they have crossed their peaks – when they know for sure that everything will go downhill from this point onwards. So, for Catherine, the grass was always greener on the other side.
All of the stuff I have said seems gloomy but to be honest, there were moments of bliss when I was with her. Like the ability to talk freely with her on any topic or how she would inquire about my work day at 5:30 sharp. Pakistani girls don’t realize it but they tend to be a bit more uptight than necessary.
Nevertheless, the experience of being in a relationship with a white girl will help you appreciate the true value of Pakistani girls. It might not be evident but the norms of our culture, society, and family are there to keep us sane. There is a reason why the youth of Pakistan don’t suffer from relationships induced depressions and anxiety disorders.
So tread carefully my friend and never let go of your true identity.