Go back in time. Imagine you are an 8 year old again. Little sense, more carelessness. The good, easy life.
The 8 year old you is sleeping peacefully, busy dreaming about your favorite toy. You don’t want that dream to end, right? Just like everything else, this dream ends as well. It ends to the sound of the two-said “role-models” of your young, carefree life who are fighting in the middle of the night. Screaming vocals, throwing abuses – words you, an 8 year old has no idea what they mean. You stand there, watching one of the parent sitting in front of you, crying with a bruised head that is bleeding. Clueless.
As an 8 year old who’s only mission in life is to get his or her favorite toy or watch the cartoon they love the most has no idea what just happened.
Parents give their everything to the children. They spend millions on their education, a mother sacrifices herself to bring joy to her child’s face and a father works hard to bring the best for his children. What parents don’t understand is how their relationship effects their children more than expensive education and clothing.
Lack of Love
A woeful relationship between parents diverts their attention from loving a child. Most of the times, parents are deeply effected by an abusive marriage. Aside from bringing home the needs and necessities of life, parents forget the part where they have to love their children.
A child needs love – they need emotional support of someone. They need someone to listen to their school stories, they want someone to read bedtime stories to them and they want to enjoy meals with the entire family on a dining table like “normal” families.
Children do not want to come home listening to parents fight. They want to close their eyes with a mother’s bedtime story voice or a father’s kiss on a forehead, not by listening to abusive statements and accusations. They do not want to wake up in the middle of the night in the horror of screaming and beating sounds. The same child becomes the victim of their frustration. Their words start hurting them beyond repair.
Development of Insecurity
Parenting rule 101 always involves how a child should see positive aspects of life while growing up. Watching abusive events happening off and on builds a pattern in a child’s mind. They think it is “usual” and believe these are the events that happen in every child’s family.
When the same child goes to their friend’s place and see how “normal” the families in reality are, comparison is evident. A child see how happy these families are, which makes him or her insecure. They fall in depression, feeling his or her parents do not love them.
Mentally, Physically or Emotionally Abusive
Parents release their frustration on their children and the cycle, most of the time, continues.
With built up frustration from a domestic environment, a child tends to bottle his or her feelings. The frustration is then released in different ways.
Adopting to what happens in a home, a child starts participating in physical fights. He or she may start using the same abusive words “taught” at home. Or they get so emotionally frustrated, it kills them deep inside everyday, ruining the productivity of a child. It kills them everyday. They isolate themselves.
All of this makes a child numb.
A child carries these activities to get attention of his or her parents. They want to be noticed. They are young and immature. They don’t know what they are doing. They need guidance.
The Constant Need Of Attention
Growing up in such a house, parents who are involved in the issues of their marriage neglect the emotional needs of their children.
“I work 24/7 in the office to pay your tuition fees. I don’t have time for this.”
“I work tirelessly in the kitchen to make your favorite food. I don’t have time for this.”
“It is your mother’s responsibility.”
“It is your father’s fault.”
Somewhere between this blame game, a child misses out on being “daddy’s princess” or “mommy’s devil”.
Often when the same child grows up, the feeling of hostility eats him or her up. They start feeling that there is someone out there who can love or give them attention, something their parents failed at.
Wanting someone’s love and attention is natural, but these children, who never had love, care or attention of someone who they looked up to, start thinking another person or friends will give them what they need. The dependency arises.
They have never witnessed what it is like to have someone who truly cares for them, who listens to what they want to share and who cares for them more than anything or anyone else. They confide in an outsider who may or may not understand their history and situation. If they confide in the wrong person, it breaks the child even more.
Ruins The Impression Of Relationships and Marriage
An abusive marriage makes children believe “all/most of the marriages end up this way.” They normality in their mind reaches to a point where they either hate marriage or they do not want to get involved in one.
Confusion arises – wanting to have someone and at the same time, feeling threaten by their mere existence that the same will happen to them.
Positive approach? None.
Just like the root of a plant causes sturdiness and firm growth, a child’s brought up is what builds them up. If you fail to be there for them, there are high chances that the cycle of abusive parenting may repeat. Do not do that.