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“Homosexuality is not natural”, “Homosexuality is a disease and can be a cure”, “It’s a sin, have you ever read about Qaum-e-Loot in Quran”, “You’re Gay by choice, not by birth”.
These are some of the very common statements that a gay has to tolerate if he told someone that “I’m Gay” specially in our Pakistani society. Being gay is a taboo in the Islamic Republic of Pakistan and people have written so many articles on it. Did anyone ever notice that why a child or a boy turns gay and attracted towards the same gender?
Yes! I’m Gay. I’m gay not because I choose to be gay or I was born like this. It’s the society that makes me gay. I was sexually abused when I was just 6 and I never told anyone about the pain I was going through until the age of 11. He was just taking advantage of me and his lust and most of the gay people have the same story that they never tell anyone and slowly get addicted to it.
It’s a natural phenomenon that the things happened to you in childhood drops a good impression or a bad impression on mind but in my case, I got addicted to him. Sometimes, I simply found excuses to get close to him and expected the way he treated me the very first day. I strongly believe in the statement that, “Your first sex will become your fantasy as you grow up.”
Growing up as a gay guy was not easy and I’m sure, most of the people will agree. We always live in a closet and being a Pakistani and Muslim, it was much harder to come out of it. Pakistani society will always consider a gay guy and a male prostitute the same, even some illiterate gay people think that “The gay is one, who is a bottom/submissive”.
Being gay, I always feel uncomfortable at my workplace when everyone is talking about their girlfriend and I have to lie in front of them that yes, I have a girlfriend and blah blah. Apparently, this is one of the reasons that I changed my jobs so quickly. I feel scared that people will come to know my reality and then they might make fun of sexuality. Sometimes, I think to come out as a Drag Queen. Maybe most of the people know what drag queens are.
Famous Pakistani drag queen, Asifa Lahori and my true inspiration “Ali Saleem aka Begum Nawazish Ali” her boldness, her grace just makes me crazy and gives me courage that now is the time to do contribute to the community. But in the end, Pakistan’s norms and family barrier stops me and hence, this is the biggest confusion in my life. I don’t know… as being gay, what is my future?
Gay people always taunt me that God will not forgive you. Maybe God will forgive me but the people of the so-called Islamic Republic of Pakistan will never allow us to live. A Pakistani will accept a rapist, a pedophile, bacha-baz, extremist but they will never accept a gay guy. I will conclude with Manto’s statement which he wrote decades ago; which is still very relevant to our society and its hypocrisy:
“Our society allows a woman to run a brothel but does not allow her to run a horse cart.”